Drowning in Stupidity: High Thoughts on the Thorpe Retirement

Ian Thorpe has retired and the decision is foolish and maddening. He is set for a life of regret, disappointment and self-loathing that will see him grow old in a conclave of embitterment and the need for constant external self re-assurance. He has abandoned Australian swimming and left it swinging like an old scarecrow in the unsatiated wind. He has been poorly advised, surrounding himself with self-important parasites and knowledge-less gurus who have hammered his ear like a moaning jakey would a passing tourist. What seems like a ballsy and correct decision now will soon reveal itself as an act of high narcissism, higher stupidity and horrendous self control, or lack thereof.

Of course, you won’t have read this anywhere. Aside from my esteemed colleague Jack Stockton- a man held aloft by reality and the loneliness of the truth- the Australian media collective has mired itself in an all too pleasant orgy of praise, tears, aggrandisement and rose coloured history writing. Journalists who claim to pride themselves on hard-nosed reportage and the pursuit of the truth have soaked their own trousers in wave after wave of sap and unabashed gush.

Not since Kennedy was downed has the slate of history been wiped as clean as it was Tuesday.

That esteemed journal of the people, The Daily Telegraph, devoted their first five pages to Thorpe, as well as an eight page lift out and a fair portion of the sport fill. Yet not a negative word was uttered, let alone penned. And the soiree of Thorpe admirers is not limited to sports writers. Turn on the television or flick on the radio and one realises that the Australian media as a collective has bent over for Thorpe like a well-walked harlot.

One also realises what a powerful institution the media is in sport. As a collective, the media shapes public perceptions, affects participants careers in both the short and long term, determines the validity of certain sporting institutions and events, influences betting markets and manipulates events to slide comfortably into the agenda of those writing the cheques. Michael Clarke replaced Shane Watson for the First Test because he was touted as the natural successor by the highly powerful Sydney media, despite the fact he is far less credentialed under any scale of measurement than Brad Hodge. Selwyn Bennett was forced to leave his post as the boss of rugby league in New Zealand because News Limited newspapers pursued the Nathan Fien eligibility issue to the death. Some players or teams like the Canterbury Bulldogs are incessantly pursued for any misdemeanour while others are given the benefit of the doubt. Where the antics of Shane Warne are shrugged off as charming masculine idiocy, the tale would be different if the player in question was John Hopoate or Wayne Carey.

But, alas, we have drifted into high intellectualism and commentary on the Australian media…

This, of course, is a piece on the complete ludicrousness of one of Australia’s finest athletes retiring at the tender age of 24. He has much more to do- he can swim faster, win more and achieve a level of greatness unattained to date. But he has given it all up for a goddamn television career and the hope he has some other talent. It is a decision he will look back on when grey and alone and regret with the same burning reflection as an old Ethan Hawley.

Your well versed author does not loathe Ian Thorpe. He is no Kieran Perkins or Susie O’Neill- they gave all they had until the tank was empty and they were running on fumes- but he has done Australia and swimming proud. He was a winner and that is the standard in these parts. But so were Perkins and O’Neill and Dawn Fraser and a list as long as your arm and they saw it out and left no hopes or dreams in lane five. They did not use their sport to attain the map to other paths. Swimming was their path.

Australia has never looked particularly fondly on those who quit and that is essentially what Ian Thorpe has done. He has quit. Pure and simple, this is quitting, not retiring. The likes of Shane Webcke and Steve Waugh and a thousand others have been sent off as the champions they are because they gave their all and their time was up. Father Time catches up to us all and Australian’s understand and accept this. Shane Gould, prattling on like an embittered woman who wished she could turn back the hands of time, claimed that Australia couldn’t let go of their athletes. Australia has always been able to let go of their athletes whose time has come. It is those who quit that the folk of this wide brown land have trouble understanding…

One sordid aspect of this whole affair that has not been dealt with at all is the de-purification of Australian sport that has been occurring over the last decade and has come to a head here. No longer are games played for the love of it all with athletes looking after themselves and coaching staff offering advice on how to improve their performances. Now, the intellectuals have started hijacking games across the land and sports psychologists and twat-ish academics are weaseling into the minds of athletes and reinforcing the short-term urges of athletes to take it easy. These well paid fools try to tell athletes about their head when it is their footwork, passing or stroke they should be working on.

This woman who finished off Thorpey also proudly exclaims how she bought Cathy Freeman to an end. What achievements! But this is the way sport is headed and the worry should be there, as well as the scorn.

But these words have no real effect. Ian Thorpe has quit, a move of immense selfishness and immense stupidity. He has foregone athletic glory for the C-grade celebrity circuit where he can kick it with stupid haircuts, questionable suits and the façade that he has built in recent times. He is deep into the good life and there is little chance of him turning back now. He has quit.