Monday Milestone: New Holland
"There's only two things I hate in this world. People that are intolerant of other people’s cultures; and the Dutch”
– Michael Caine as Nigel Powers, ‘Austin Powers in Goldmember’
This Week in History:
1788, January 26
Arthur Phillip and the First Fleet settle the British colony in Sydney
It’s Australia Day this week, celebrating by all reports, a stinking hot Saturday when Arthur Phillip was rowed ashore in Port Jackson, beginning the first British colony in Australia more than two centuries ago. But by rights, many will argue that it should never have been theirs in the first place.
Leaving the indigenous debate at the door, and disregarding any Portuguese conspiracy theories, the history books tell us that Dutch explorer Willem Janszoon was actually the first recorded European to set foot on Australian soil in 1606. Dirk Hartog followed him in 1616. Abel Tasman called the place ‘New Holland’ in 1644, a name that stuck until the 1820s with his other Tasmanian moniker of ‘Van Diemen’s Land’, still in use up until the 1850s. By the first come, first served rationale, Australia should really be Dutch.
Yet it’s because these Dutchmen did not settle on the eastern seaboard, that Australian heritage became profoundly British. It doesn’t seem fair but it does provide an intriguing hypothesis this week for the Milestone – what would Australian life be like as New Holland?
Firstly Australian national athletes would need to look resplendent in orange. That’s a tough ask to begin with. Cricket would almost certainly change. Whilst Dirk Nannes could actually play for his mother country, without the colonial influence of the English, New Holland would meekly make up the numbers at the World Cup and Test cricket would dissipate, meaning no more drunken louts in Bay 13 at the MCG, or the Melbourne Hockey Ground as it would be known – as the national summer pastimes would be field hockey or volleyball.
Winter sport would take on a considerably different shape too. Sadly rugby league would probably disappear, becoming unfortunately like lacrosse in present day Australia: foreign and weird. Australian Rules may still exist however given it was a home grown game, and had little to do with the Poms. But perhaps they’d use sticks instead, like a form of hurling? Who knows?
New Holland football would almost certainly be better. Whilst the British love of the game hasn’t made a huge impact Down Under, given the Australian inherent love of sport, no rugby league and a Dutch-infused heritage, being knocked out of a World Cup quarter final would more likely see the national manager dismissed rather than lauded. Thankfully rugby union would also most likely shrink even further on the national sphere, and as for how the nation would fare at the Winter Olympics with a much greater skiing heritage? As the intriguing suppositions are endless, what do you think?
Either way, this Australia Day it's worth taking a moment, and considering what it would have been like to be Dutch. Or perhaps on a new level appreciating the English colonial past that created the nation today. Because after all no matter the heritage of Australian forefathers it could always have been worse.
They could have been French.
The Milestone Five: Key differences in the world of New Holland:
1. Legalities. Whilst regarded by many as one of the more laconic countries on earth, New Holland would be Australiawithout the nanny state. Increased relaxation of certain legal positions on narcotics and sex creates enormous intrigue.
2. Language. This isn’t a positive unfortunately. Despite surnames all beginning with ‘van’, in the words of Edward T. Hall: ‘Dutch is not so much a language as a disease of the throat’. It would be a requirement in New Holland.
3. Dutch ovens: Enough said. Who doesn’t like one of these? This way we could claim it is part of the national identity. For those that aren’t familiar with the concept – look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dutch_oven_(practical_joke)
4. Courage: Australians don’t mind a drink – and finally here the ends could justify the means. Who hasn’t taken on some Dutch courage when approaching a member of the opposite sex?
5. Pancakes. Ever tried a Dutch pancake? It’s the Dutch equivalent of a Yorkshire pudding, only filled with more awesome. And what’s better? It’s a breakfast food. Possibly invented after the aforementioned relaxation of narcotic laws.
