The Mongrel Punter

Cameron Noakes

SECRET plans have emerged to replace players with their lookalikes at the AFL's Brownlow Medal count, but to ensure the night remains authentic, players' wives and girlfriends will still attend.

It is understood AFL executives are far from dreading a ''player boycott'' of the night of nights – recently mooted as a form of protest for higher wages – but are indeed hoping the players won't turn up. 

Explosive leaked documents to Mongrel Punter reveal that the AFL detailed a counter-plan to a Brownlow boycott more than a decade ago. Those plans involve filming the players' wives and girlfriends on the red carpet (without their partners), having a bigger focus on fashion, exclusive interviews with the WAGS, pre-recorded interviews with the players' parents, and having the WAGS accompanied by player doppelgaengers in suits.

Although the plans were shelved, an AFL insider told Mongrel Punter yesterday the push to remove the players from the Brownlow had gathered momentum in recent years, for it was commonly thought they were superfluous to the black-tie event and dragged down its tone. ''We've been trying to figure out how to get rid of the bloody players for years,'' the insider said. ''To think they simply might not turn up is a real plus for the evening. We'll certainly save a few bucks on beer.

''And the WAGS – is that politically correct to call them that? – anyway, they've promised us they're coming, regardless. The reality is no one gives a tinker's cuss about the players on Brownlow night. You just want a winner … and some WAGS, don't you?

''We're completely excited about it. And you should see the guys I've found to replace the players; totally classy. I mean, the bald bloke I've got for Mrs Juddy, well … let's just say he's better than the real Judd.''

''The only thing we've got to work out now is how to play games without the players. I can't say too much, but you know Gary Ablett is a robot, don't you?'' the insider said.