The Sledge: Kyle “truffle shuffle” Sandilands

I have a confession to make. Until quite recently, I didn’t really know who Kyle Sandilands was. I mean I’d heard the name, but not being a Sydney resident, I fortunately don’t have to listen to listen to him on whatever the name is of the radio show he hosts; and not being a brain-dead mouth-breather, I never saw his appearances on Australia’s got X-Factor Idols. So it was only recently I discovered what the rest of Australia knows: that this Kyle person is a dickhead. Not just any dickhead mind you, but this moon-faced, muffed-haired loudmouth is a first-class, widely-known and – I am led to believe – a peer-reviewed scientifically proven dickhead.

In doing some research (Google, Wikipedia and www.worldsbiggestdickheads.org) I discovered he is apparently what passes for famous in Australia today. Loud mouthed, ignorant and controversial (in the sense of flinging-his-own-excrement-at people controversial, not in the sense of having ‘radical-ideas’ or ‘edgy politics’ controversial), his show, with some gormless sidekick called Jackie O, has been the highest rating radio program in Sydney for the last 4 years. A fact which only adds to the mounting evidence that Sydney is a cultural slagheap populated by pimps, hookers, Daily Telegraph readers and of course, Kyle Sandilands. If it wasn’t for the saving grace of Rugby League, there’d be no reason not to strap a series of rockets to Sydney and launch it into the Sun.

But back to Kyle: looking at his record, it appears his most controversial statements all seem to involve verbally abusing women. Let’s go through some examples of courageous Kyle’s endeavors: in Australia’s Got Talent he asked one contestant if she was a ‘man or a woman’; on Australian Idol he said one contest had a ‘Jelly Belly’ and told a second she had ‘tuckshop lady arms’. He threatened a female journalist from Sydney in 2006, calling her fat and threatening to hire a private investigator to stalk her and publicise her secrets. Ever sophisticated, he taunted a refugee from the genocide in Cambodia on air on his radio show (it was a woman, of course); and he mocked Magda Szubanski’s weight (these repeated references to fat remind me of that trait you learn about in Psych 101 called ‘projection’). The radio host also infamously harangued a young (14-year old) girl to tell his listeners about her sexual experiences, only for her to admit that she had been raped (when she was 12).

So it appears Kyle Sandilands is one classy guy.

Which brings us to the most recent controversy: when a female newspaper journalist pointed out last week that his TV show had terrible ratings (an entirely reasonable observation, given his terrible show did have terrible ratings) Kyle responded by saying: "You're a bullshit artist, girl. You should be fired from your job", then, in his inimitable fashion, said "Your hair's very '90s. And your blouse. You haven't got that much titty to be having that low cut a blouse. Watch your mouth or I'll hunt you down."

He said this last week. You know what also happened last week? White Ribbon Day: the day where men commit to stand up to violence (physical or threatened) against women. A number of people in the media made this connection. But Kyle certainly didn’t; he seems unlikely to understand it is important for all men – in particular those in the media – to show respect and never, ever, make threats of violence of violence against women. Even if he is ‘just joking’ about his threats to hunt down and shut these women up (and as baffling as this may sound), people listen to this fool and are influenced by the things he says. There is another Psych 101 trait called confirmation bias Kyle should educate himself about.

Let’s wind this back a little and consider this: Kyle Sandilands earns (according to media reports) in the vicinity of 2.8 million a year. Think about that: 2.8 million. People pay for this trash, that’s probably the worst thing. In a better world (the magical parallel universe where talent matches one’s wealth) he’d be lining up at Centrelink to collect his fortnightly dole cheque, thinking about the double whopper he was going to buy for breakfast and scratching that persistent fungal infection in his butt crack. But that’s in another universe. In this one, talentless douche-bags are filthy rich, famous and loud, drive Rolls Royce Phantoms, and own 5-million dollar pads in Sydney.   

Certainly, it is heartening to note that with this latest tirade, advertisers are withdrawing their support and there is speculation over whether his show can continue to go on (as an aside, while advertisers are withdrawing their ads (and valuable revenue) from his show, why isn’t the same happening for the disgraced Andrew Bolt? Given the odious nature of Andrew Bolt’s comments were proven in a court of law, technically it should make them worse, but I don’t see any advertisers withdrawing from his rancid, little-watched TV show). But Kyle will always go on, one way or another. Because this isn’t bizarro world, this is the real world. And in the real world, some media pimp with a truck-load of money will always be willing to enrich some cro-magnon big-mouth with anger management problems.

Oh – and the truffle shuffle? Please, click and enjoy this rare, rare footage of a young Sandilands: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5whaRkuipU