The Sunday Sledge: Serena on Serena

Before I launch into an utterly obvious sledge against that contemptible narcissist and possible acid-bath murderer Serena Williams, congratulations must first go to the magnificent Sam Stosur. She did it tough – a lot of lean years as a youngster coming up through the ranks, Sam developed late as a player in a tennis career that has been beset by injuries, bad luck and illness. She’s laid-back, shy and humble. She’s a champion competitor and an all-too rare tennis role-model for aspiring young Australian players. Our Sam has shown grit of Cadel Evans proportions. And to top it all off, I also discovered recently that her favourite film is Anchorman – which, in my book, elevates her from the status of mere champ to true fucking legend.

But now to Serena. An ugly counterpoint to the shining efforts of our Sam was the abuse Serena hurled at the umpire during the match. Now, I’m not entirely against a mid-match tirade – John McEnroe was a master at the blow-up and a master entertainer to boot – if you’re interested there is a great blow-up here. But Serena, well it just isn’t any fun with her. Her abuse of linesmen and umpires crosses the line into threatening violence and is an unedifying spectacle.

Here’s a little snippet of Serena’s work at the recent US Open: "If you ever see me walking down the hall, look the other way," Williams screamed at the umpire. "Because you're out of control, you're out of control. You're not only out of control, you're a hater, and you're just unattractive inside. Who would do such a thing? And I never complain. Wow!

"A code violation because I expressed who I am? We're in America right now!"

“Don't even look at me! I promise you, don't look at me. Don't. Look. My. Way."

For this rant, Serena was fined a paltry 2000 bucks. She’d spend more than that a week on manicures.

But I tell you something that surprised me about Serena – she is hilarious, once you get to know her through google. I was looking for past incidents of Serena blowing up during matches, when I stumbled on a treasure trove of Serena quotes. Quotes so bloated with ego, hubris, self-delusion and plain old stupidity, they really amount to a monumental sledge of Serena by Serena.

So, I’ve decided to let Serena do the talking for this article. May I present, Serena in her own words:

On humility:

"I have started to realize that I am really just a world athlete and a world entertainer — I am a world-known person, I am a global icon."
— Serena Williams

Yes, Serena, a global icon. Just like Paris Hilton. Or Donald Trump. Or Swine Flu.

On wisdom:

"Nothing comes to a sleeper but a dream. Our Dad used to say that. It's an adage.''
— Serena Williams

Did he say that before or after he inhaled his last ounce of weed Serena? Did he follow it by expressing his love of double rainbows before passing out in a puddle of his own urine?

On her talents:

"I'm an unbelievable designer. I don't know how I know and just do these things. I just start sketching and then I just know the colors and I always know the forecast. I know green and purple are going to be hot. I was born to be a designer. I worked hard to be a tennis player, I don't work hard to be a designer."

— Serena Williams

Ah yes. Green. Purple. Visionary. Hot. You know what else is going to be hot? The incandescent iron poker that Satan shoves into your armpit after you are sent to hell for the sin of pride. Toasty hot. Angry Satan. Burning armpit.

On Cinema:

"I talked with Tom Hanks. I saw that movie 'Turner and Hooch' at least 50 times. It took all my guts to go up to him. I went up to him, I was like, 'Can I have a picture?' We talked acting; he wanted to know what I was doing. We talked a little tennis. I mean, he knew all about myself and my sister."

— Serena Williams

Turner and fucking Hooch? Were you wasted on your old man’s moonshine when you watched the movie? Cause that, to me, is the only possible explanation for enjoying an animal-buddy flick starring that insipid producer of entertainment for the lobotomized and possible puppy-strangler Tom Hanks. I mean, if you were hitting some serious acid for a few years and dropped some every time you watched the movie – like the rest of us do with The Wizard of Oz or the Big Lebowski – then that’s cool. But it sounds like you enjoyed it, without any chemical enhancement. I will give you the same advice a wise old man with gout once screamed at me: THINK ABOUT IT!

Anyway, I’ve saved the best until last. Serena’s classic outburst against a lineswoman in the semi-final of the US Open in 2009:

“I swear to God, I’m fuckin’ takin’ this ball and shovin’ it down your fuckin’ throat… I swear to God. Motherfucker.

— Serena Williams

As Ron Burgundy would say, stay classy, Serena.