Top Ten Best National Sports of All Time

Tim Napper and Nick Tedeschi each count down their top national sports of all time.

Napper’s top 5

5) Colombia: Tejo

You throw a metal disc at a paper envelope filled with gun powder to make it explode. Let me repeat that a little louder: YOU THROW A METAL DISC AT A PAPER ENVELOPE FILLED WITH GUNDPOWER TO MAKE IT EXPLODE. The best sport ever? In my scientific opinion: very likely. Better still played drunk? Indubitably.

There are lots of important ways to score in Tejo: there is the ‘bocin’, the ‘mechas’ and the ‘monona’. But as I don’t speak Spanish I have no idea what this means. All I know is that this sport holds a deserved spot in the best ten national sports of all time.

4) Brazil: Capoeira

This is a good one. Capoeira is a martial art created by African slaves of Portuguese colonists in Brazil. Legend has it that the Capoeira was developed to look like a dance, so the slave-owners would not be aware that slaves were practicing their fighting techniques. It is a form of combat that involves constant movement, suited to fighting when outnumbered or at a technological disadvantage. Music as such is integral to the sport, as it set the tempo and style of fights in the ring (the roda).

Speaking of Capoeira and quite coincidentally, Christopher Pyne insists he merely wanted to have a chat with Peter Slipper’s staff and practice some naked Capoeira holds when he visited late one evening last month, and certainly not discuss any potential court proceedings.

But anyway, today in Brazil, after numerous attempts over the past 100 years to prohibit its use, Capoeira is a symbol of the Brazilian culture.

3) Lao PDR: Petanque                                         

It is just perfect that one of the most relaxed countries in the world should take one of the most relaxed sports as their national pastime. The French used to say this about their colonies in Southeast Asia: “the Vietnamese plant the rice, the Cambodianswatch the rice, and the Lao listen to the ricegrow”. Now between you and me, I have no fucking clue what this means.

It could be that they are trying to say Lao people are lazy, but that would be a rich coming from the French, what with their three-hour working week, rolling strikes and fromage-fuelled afternoon naps.

Anyway, petanque: I love a beer and a game of petanque. Chucking a few metal balls into a sandpit, having a laugh with mates, and sitting down on a comfortable easy chair in between.

2) Mongolia: Wrestling, Archery and Horse Riding

The Mongolians call these the ‘three manly sports’. Mongolians have been quite concerned with manliness ever since the manliest man of history – Genghis Khan – set about burning and pillaging his way via horseback to create the greatest land empire in history, stretching from Korea in the east to Italy in the west.

These days the Mongol empire isn’t quite the expanse it once was, but I tell you what, they like re-enacting the three manly sports that won them the empire. I had the pleasure of attending the national games in the capital Ulaanbaatar and watching the festivities a few years back. Old Mongolian men getting on the turps and shooting arrows wildly; drunken dudes wrestling each other; four-year old children strapped to the backs of ponies and sent on endurance races of twenty miles. And I’m not making any of this up. Occupational health and safety are four words not found close together in the Mongolian vocabulary.

The wrestling has an amusing back story. The Mongolian men wear open vests when they wrestle each other – their chests are exposed. Why? Well, the legend goes that once upon a time – before the open vest -a woman entered a wrestling competition, managed to overcome several male opponents, and win the tournament. The thing is, the woman had to disguise herself as a man to enter, because a thousand years ago (and today) women weren’t allowed to participate in any of the ‘three manly sports’. So the open vest is required to ensure no-one with boobs may ever win again. Progressive lot, those Mongolians.

1) Maryland (US State): Jousting

When I recently discovered that the US state of Maryland holds jousting as its official sport, I was filled with joy. An abundance of joy: my cup is overflowing. I am strongly considering getting my shield, my mace and my wench, and moving to Maryland. Where I may vanquish foes with my lance and quaff cider after the duelling is done.

In undertaking, with great enthusiasm, some research into Maryland jousting, I discovered that “jousting is synonymous with Maryland history”, according to the official site. Why? Not exactly clear. Probably because of the important role Maryland played in driving the moors from Spain during the crusades. Or perhaps, as is well known, because Sir Lancelot was indeed born in Baltimore. One could find any number of compelling reasons.

Further reading at www.marylandjousting.com (I am not making this up – the link is real) tells me that “A modern knight or maid (as female contestants are known) wears a conventional English riding attire, consisting of breeches, boots, white or colorful shirt topped by a bright colored gipon or sash depicting armor worn by his medieval counterpart. In keeping with tradition, he registers and rides under a title of his own choosing such as Sir Knight of Cedar Lane, or Maid of Misty”. Well, I don’t know what a gipon is, but I know awesomeness when I see it, and this ye olde bad boy of a sport makes the grade.

Let me finish with this: thank you, the Honourable Henry J. Fowler Snr, for introducing the bill in 1962 that made jousting the official state sport of Maryland. Thank you.

Tedeschi’s top five

5) Bulgaria: Weightlifting

I have spent my entire life believing that weightlifting was the national sport of Bulgaria. I would have had my last on it that those plucky Eastern Europeans devoted their lives and their passion to the snatch and the clean and jerk, the powder and pull.

Apparently not. I have apparently dreamed this up. Worse still, one of their favourite sports is volley ball. I don’t want to watch Bulgarian men play volley ball. I’d rather eat a volley ball. Even worse, they also apparently enjoy soccer. Someone punch me in the mouth and wake me up from this nightmare. Please. But the pain and disappointment does not stop there. Bulgarians also love… Rugby Union. I am filled with rage. I have petitioned the United Nations to place debilitating sanctions on Bulgaria until they give up this sporting monstrosity.

But I refuse to give up on Bulgaria and the game I'm sure that sets their hearts alight more than any other. Ivan Ivanov, that great champion of clean and jerk, wouldn't want it any other way.

4) Alaska: Mushing

Mushing is the general term for all dog related pulling activities. Apparently this refers to plenty of sports: carting (a dog pulling a cart with supplies or a person), pulk (a toboggan pulled by a dog), scootering (a dog pulling a scooter with a person on board), sled dog racing, skijoring (a dog pulling a dude on skis), freighting (carting with a heap of stuff) and weight pulling (who knows about this last one – there is only so much you can read about dogs pulling stuff).

Rick Swenson is the greatest Iditarod (mushing) performer of all time, winning the famous race from Anchorage to Nome five times. He did it with Andy and Old Buddy leading him to the title in 1977 and '79, Andy and Slick in '81 and '82 and Goose and Maverick in his record setting fifth win in '91. He is known as 'King of the Iditarod', perhaps the noblest title in all of sport.

3) Anguilla: Yacht Racing

When your country is a free-wheeling tax haven that runs just 26km by 5km and has a capital called The Valley, you better find a suitable national sport.

Well, Anguilla, congratulations. Those happy to engage in the country's primary industry – offshore incorporation and banking – need something to do on the weekend so why not take up the national sport of yachting.

Anguillans have no pretensions about what they are. A big bunch of pretentious wankers.

2) Afghanistan: Buzkashi

Think polo. Quaint horseback rides with wooden mallets on green fields played by the richest of the rich as a pleasant Sunday hobby that is so expensive to play that the hoi polloi are kept well away.

You are on your way to Buzkashi.

But substitute thoroughbreds for the wild horses of the Hindu Kush (or, at times, yaks); the fixed time period of polo with the days-long format favoured in Central Asia, and replace the ball with a headless goat carcass.

This is polo for men who have a thirst for blood and a real desire to mix it up. One rule: you can't whip an opponent intentionally. But if he were to get in the way of a reckless whipping, well, so be it.

There are two versions of the game but the more interesting one is the Qarajai, where players must collect the goat carcass, carry it around a flag and then dump into a scoring circle known as, wait for it, THE CIRCLE OF JUSTICE. We in the west have such delicate names for our means of scoring: try-lines, goals, hoops. We are such pussies. How could a game where the object is to dump a decapitated goat carcass into the CIRCLE OF JUSTICE not be the most popular sport in the world?

Fun Fact: The calf in a Buzkashi game is normally beheaded and disemboweled and has its limbs cut off at the knees. It is then soaked in cold water for 24 hours before play to toughen it. Occasionally sand is packed into the carcass to give it extra weight. Players may not strap the calf to their bodies or saddles. Though a goat is used when no calf is available, a calf is less likely to disintegrate during the game.

1) Papua New Guinea: Rugby League

Poor old Papua New Guinea cops a bum rap, what with the constant coups and tales of corruption, the dire economic state and the malaria and one of the highest rates of AIDS in the world. It is a tough part of the world where you can still raped by a gang of female warriors and if you aren't careful, suffer a fate that would not be too dissimilar to a scene from Carry On Up The Khyber.

But, give them this: they are the only country in the world where rugby league is the national game. It is also a constitutional requirement for all rugby league journalists to say, whenever Papua New Guinea is mentioned, that it is the only country in the world where rugby league is the national game.

While the books record 96 per cent of the nation as being Christian, the real religion in PNG is rugby league. When State of Origin starts, the whole country stops. If Mal Meninga wanted it, he’d get the job as Prime Minister of PNG tomorrow, such is the love for the man.

It is believed the fierce game of league became so popular because it was seen as a suitable replacement for old-fashioned tribal warfare. Such is the excitement among fans that many matches are actually a matter of life and death with rioting after matches as common as the handshake in the soft Australian and English versions of the game.

While Papua New Guinea has produced a number of NRL players including Adrian Lam, Neville Costigan, Marcus Bai, Paul Aiton and David Mead, it is Stanley Gene who personifies PNG rugby league more than any man.

It is unclear how old Stanley Gene is with estimates ranging from 32 to 58, with the only certainty being that Gene was born during a full moon after a successful sweet potato crop; right before a plague of taro beetle decimated the region's taro crop. Following the 2008 Rugby League World Cup, the PNG National Parliament instructed the National Agricultural Research Institute and the Department of Family and Church Affairs to continue research into Gene's age as a matter of national importance. Reportedly up to $200,000 was spent on the matter.