March Madness: Bracketology, Tedeschi Style
March is here, Selection Sunday has come and gone, the sixty-five teams have been chosen, the remainder are consigned to obscurity and obsequiousness for at least another year, the Madness is on the verge of beginning. Yes, it is NCAA Tournament time and if it is the last thing I achieve as both a professional sportswriter and a connoisseur of the American sporting taste, I will make Australians aware of the joys and excitement of one of the world’s great sporting events.
For the hoops purist, it is a time unparalleled in excitement. For the gambler, it is a time of unprecedented action. For the casual observer, the occasional sports enthusiast, the event goer, the March holidaymaker, the cultural importer, the lover of seeing gangly white boys with knee high socks go head-to-head with large negro men somewhere in the range of seven foot, then the NCAA Tournament is the place to be.
Thanks to One HD, who will cover nearly every match throughout the three weekend tournament, Australia as a whole will get to lap up the tournament in all its glory for the very first time. We get it all from the play-in game to “One Shining Moment” and the cutting down of the net.
Now the most important aspect for anyone following the tournament, be it the diehard or the first time observer, is the bracket. Anyone who is anyone has their bracket. Like the sweep on Melbourne Cup day, the bracket is essential to the enjoyment of the tournament. That means picking the winner of every game before the tournament has started. This means finding the upsets, hitting the smokies, grasping any reason to justify a selection. Below, all the help you will need in filling out your NCAA Tournament bracket with reasons so tenuous and obscure that you would be mad to follow such sound advice. Below, Bracketology, Tedeschi style.
Midwest Region: Round 1
(1)Kansas v (16) Lehigh: While I enjoy the tradition at Lehigh called the Pyjama Party where freshmen are led across the penny toll bridge in their sleeping get up shouting “we pay no toll tonight” on their way to serenading the girls at the sororities in the week leading up to The Rivalry football game with Lafayette, no sixteen seed has ever beaten a one seed in the tournament. (1) Kansas
(8) UNLV v (9) Northern Iowa: Northern Iowa, once known by the lofty title of Iowa State Normal School, is one of only two colleges to have both an NFL Offensive and Defensive Player of the Year registered as alums. Kurt Warner is the offensive player, Bryce Paup the defensive. UNLV graduates only 41% of students. We are all over the Panthers. (9) Northern Iowa
(5) Michigan State v (12) New Mexico State: Wikipedia notes that one of the points of interest in Las Cruces, where New Mexico State is located, is “several water tanks [that] have been painted with murals by Tony Pennock.” Sounds like a thrilling place. Magic Johnson may not be at Michigan State anymore but they will be too good for New Mexico State. (5) Michigan State
(4) Maryland v (13) Houston: Maryland have made it to at least the second round in eight of their last nine tournament appearances dating back to 1999. Big faves with the books but in terms of mascots this is a huge boilover with a turtle like creature rolling a cougar.
(4) Maryland
(6) Tennessee v (11) San Diego State: Tennessee’s history of volunteerism doesn’t wash with me. Nor does their fine tradition of women’s basketball. San Diego State are known as the Aztec Warriors. I’ll take an Aztec Warrior over a Volunteer any day. For an Aztec boy to become a man he must capture a prisoner.
(11) San Diego State
(3) Georgetown v (14) Ohio: Ohio University is located in Athens, Ohio, named one of the fifteen most haunted cities in America. From ghosts in the abandoned mental hospital to the headless train conductor near Lake Hope, Athens is a spooky place. Unfortunately for Bobcats fans, there is not much scary about their basketball team. At any rate, much of The Exorcist was based on and filmed at Georgetown. The Hoyas get the edge on the court and in the spook. (3) Georgetown
(7) Oklahoma State v (10) Georgia Tech: Oklahoma State have a fine basketball tradition with Henry Iba and Eddie Sutton both coaching the Cowboys but Georgia Tech have one of the great fight songs and that will push them over the line. “I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech” is such a great song that in 1958 American Vice President Richard Nixon and Soviet President Nikita Khrushchev sang the song together to break tensions before talks. “Oh! If I had a daughter, sir, I'd dress her in White and Gold, and put her on the campus to cheer the brave and bold. But if I had a son, sir, I'll tell you what he'd do–He would yell, 'To hell with Georgia!' like his daddy used to do”. (10) Georgia Tech
(2) Ohio State v (15) University of California, Santa Barbara: The annual Old Spanish Days Fiesta in Santa Barbara sounds like a fantastic annual tradition that would involve plenty of drinking and daytime sleeping. And oh, Santa Barbara will not be advancing to the second round. (2) Ohio State
Midwest Region: Round 2
(1)Kansas v (9) Northern Iowa: Northern Iowa has a fine tradition of students sneaking a kiss from either a lover or a stranger at the stroke of midnight around the campanile which derived from the few male students hiding in bushes so he could sneak off if she turned out not to be his sort but Kansas has the Robert J. Dole Institute of Politics and Bob Dole did say “the internet is a great way to get on the net.” (1) Kansas
(4) Maryland v (5) Michigan State: NFL kicker Morten Anderson, who holds the record for most games played in the NFL and was playing 26 years after being drafted in 1982 until the age of 47, was a Spartan from Michigan State. Last year, Maryland showed an X-rated film in a lecture hall, standing up to a State Senator who threatened to withdraw public funding if the film was show. Close call but I do dig Morten Anderson. (5) Michigan State
(3) Georgetown v (11) San Diego State: San Diego State may have the power of the Aztec Warrior but Georgetown has God on its side with Georgetown being the oldest Catholic university in the United States and one of the preeminent Catholic institutions in the United States. Plus I like how a Thompson has coached the Hoyas for all bar five seasons since 1972 with John Thompson coaching the team with an iron fist between 1972 and 1999 and his son, John Thompson III, having control since 2004. (3) Georgetown
(2) Ohio State v (10) Georgia Tech: The Ohio State Buckeyes best player Evan Turner has the outstanding nickname of “The Villain”. While all those Yellow Jackets are getting soused on whiskey, The Villain will be draining threes, hitting crisp assists and driving the hoop. (2) Ohio State
Midwest Region: Sweet Sixteen
(1)Kansas v (5) Michigan State: Michigan State was originally designated to be an agricultural college and required all students to undertake three hours of manual labour a day. The University of Kansas lists Danni Boatwright, winner of Survivor: Guatemala, among its notable alumni members. Michigan State have a history of being more hard nosed off the court and on the court they are the same. The upset is on. (5) Michigan State
(2) Ohio State v (3) Georgetown: Former Georgetown coach John Thompson once invited convicted drug dealer Rayful Edmond to his office where he let Edmond have it in a foul-mouthed angry tirade warning Edmond to stay away from his players. Thompson is believed to have been the only person to have ever threatened Edmond not to suffer any violent consequences with Edmond and his gang believed to be involved in up to 400 murders. If Thompson’s son has half as much bottle, he will have no problem dealing with Ohio State’s Villain. (3) Georgetown
Midwest Region: Elite Eight
(3) Georgetown v (5) Michigan State: Michigan State’s mascot is Sparty the Spartan. While the name shows a distinct lack of initiative, the current uniform costs $12,000 with a stringent tryout and interview procedure along with strict confidential requirement in place show a sturdy respect for mascots. Georgetown, the Hoyas, cannot even explain what a Hoya is and instead have resorted to a live bulldog named Jack. This suggests Michigan State should outhustle the Hoyas and advance to the Final Four. (5) Michigan State
East Region: Round 1
(1)Kentucky v (16) East Tennessee State: The entire campus of East Tennessee State has been declared “tobacco free” since 2008 with smoking now banned entirely. They are 20 ½ point dogs against Kentucky. It must suck to go to East Tennessee State. (1) Kentucky
(8) Texas v (9) Wake Forest: The Wake Forest Demon Deacons are renowned for having one of the best groups of student fanbases in college hoops due to a program known as the Screamin’ Deacons program. Students get seats for the hoops season, shirts and automatic entry to all sporting events for only $15 but have all privileges revoked if they miss two games. Commitment.
(9) Wake Forest
(5) Temple v (12) Cornell: Legend has it that at Cornell, if a virgin crosses the Arts Quad at the stroke of midnight, the statues of Ezra Cornell and Andrew Dickson White walk off their pedestals to congratulate each other on the chastity of the university. No Ivy League team has won a Tournament game since 1998. Everyone wants to tip Big Red but I am sticking with Temple and their amazing campus security that includes 124 campus police officers and 1000-watt metal halide lights that replicate daylight at ground level. That campus security is indicative of their sturdy, impenetrable defence.
(5) Temple
(4) Wisconsin v (13) Wofford: Wofford is a small college of 1,450 students located in Spartanburg, South Carolina that offers a full study in Cartography. It has never played in the NCAA Tournament and has the terrier as a mascot. They stand no chance against the Badgers of Wisconsin. (4) Wisconsin
(6) Marquette v (11) Washington: The University of Washington is one of the preeminent producers of astronauts in America with at least nine men and women going into space after going to Washington including Michael P Anderson, who died in the Columbia disaster. I dig space. (11) Washington
(3) New Mexico v (14) Montana: Between 2004 and 2006, Missoula, home of the University of Montana, reported the highest rate of illicit drug use in America with 13.8% of residents “consuming” with 9.5% of all residents on the green. Missoula then essentially passed a motion to decriminalise marijuana. Montana made the tournament in 2005 and 2006 and recorded their first tournament victory in 31 years in 2006 when coming in as a #12 seed. In 2006 this virtual decriminalisation of marijuana possession was overturned and arrests have since risen. Montana has not made the tournament since until this year and it took a 20 point second half comeback to make it. Until the noose is loosened, Montana have to be ignored. (3) New Mexico
(7) Clemson v (10) Missouri: Hardest first round match-up. Tiger against Tiger. Going to go with Missouri in the upset because they have named their tiger Truman. (10) Missouri
(2) West Virginia v (15) Morgan State: Morgan State is located, apparently, in Baltimore. It is a historically black school that became the first school to field an all black Lacrosse team. They made the NCAA Tournament for the first time in 2009, losing 82-54 to Oklahoma. A similar scenario will unfold against West Virginia. (2) West Virginia
East Region: Round 2
(1)Kentucky v (9) Wake Forest: I wonder how many horse racing addicts come out of UK? Plenty I would hope. There is surely also any number of colonels graduating. The Demon Deacons are a proud lot but they don’t have mint juleps, the Derby, colonels and a love of the track. (1) Kentucky
(4) Wisconsin v (5) Temple: Fun fact: it is virtually impossible to break the jaw of a badger. Fun quote: Homer Simpson, “Badger my ass, it’s probably just Millhouse.” Fun name: Gavin Badger. All signs are pointing to a tenacious Wisconsin win over the Owls of Temple.
(4) Wisconsin
(3) New Mexico v (11) Washington: Before they were the Huskies, the University of Washington sporting teams were once known as the “Sun Dodgers” while their colours of purple and gold were taken from the first two lines of Lord Byron’s “The Destruction of Sennacherib”: “The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold, And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold.” Intellectual and weird and infinitely more interesting than anything at New Mexico. (11) Washington
(2) West Virginia v (10) Missouri: West Virginia are the world leaders in campus transportation with the school having the “Personal Rapid Transit” system to get students around Morgantown. It is a unique public transportation system that allows the people of Morgantown to state which station they wish to go to before they are directed to a car bound only for that station. It has worked speedily and reliably for over 30 years and is the only one of its kind in the world. (2) West Virginia
East Region: Sweet Sixteen
(1)Kentucky v (4) Wisconsin: Kentucky have actress Ashley Judd as their number one hoops supporter. Wisconsin have the all-time most interesting architect in Frank Lloyd Wright with his most fascinating work being his community planning-inspired Usonian homes in Pleasantville, New York. Madison, the home of Wisconsin, was also the home of Larry Appleton, star of hit eighties sitcom Perfect Strangers. Beware the Badger. (4) Wisconsin
(2) West Virginia v (11) Washington: Between 1997 and 2003, there were reportedly 1,100 intentionally ignited street fires set after West Virginia games by fans deemed to be “unruly” but are in my eyes “passionate”. The same fanbase was this year criticised for their vulgar language and propulsion of objects onto the court after a game against Pitt. Their coach, Bob Huggins, is just as passionate and just as unlikable. A perfect fit. (2) West Virginia
East Region: Elite Eight
(2) West Virginia v (4) Wisconsin: Morgantown is generally regarded as one of the top towns in the Big East. Madison is the most enjoyable town in the Big Ten. Bob Huggins of West Virginia is passionate but narky and irritating. Bo Ryan of Wisconsin is an institution in Madison who has taken the Badgers to the Big Dance in every season he has coached. Huggins gets his team to the Tournament but rarely goes deep and he has only once made a Final Four. Ryan is a better coach and that will be the difference with the perennially overachieving Badgers going to the Final Four.
(4) Wisconsin
West Region: Round 1
(1)Syracuse v (16) Vermont: Vermont as a state has the second highest proportion of whites in America with 98.12% of the population fair skinned. This doesn’t bode well for their basketball prospects though the Catamounts only tournament victory came in the opening round of the 2005 tourney when the #13 seeds defeated none other than Syracuse. I doubt history will be repeating itself this time around. (1) Syracuse
(8) Gonzaga v (9) Florida State: Adam Morrison, the shaggy haired kid with the bumfluff moustache who just happens to be my favourite all-time college player happened to go to Gonzaga and that is enough for me here. He may have been riding the pine in the pros for three years but whenever I think Gonzaga I think of his magical years as a Bulldog. Goddamn Phil Jackson, give him some minutes. (8) Gonzaga
(5) Butler v (12) University of Texas, El Paso: “Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl, Night time would find me in Rosa’s cantina; Music would play and Felina would whirl.” The only song about Indianapolis was by a Puerto Rican boy band called Menundo. (12) University of Texas, El Paso
(4) Vanderbilt v (13) Murray State: There is a thing called the Shoe Tree at Murray State, located in Kentucky. Any couple who meets at Murray State goes back and nails a shoe each to the tree after they get married. Quaint. Due to the high zinc content caused by all the nails, however, the tree has become a lightning rod and has caught fire on more than one occasion. A romantic fire hazard is enough to win me over. Plus, my pal Parko loves the Racers for reasons unknown to me. (13) Murray State
(6) Xavier v (11) Minnesota: Xavier, for some reason, have two mascots. The first is D’artagnan, a musketeer while the second is a blue blob creatively titled The Blue Blob. Both are terrible. Minnesota, on the other hand, have the Golden Gopher, a charming and cleverly named emblem of a proud state that I have always been fascinated by. I also enjoy Marshall’s love for all-things Minnesota in “How I Met Your Mother”. Vanilla Thunder certainly would have laid down the White Windmill as a Golden Gopher had he not headed east.
(11) Minnesota
(3) Pittsburgh v (14) Oakland: I would love to push another upset here to get the Oakland Golden Grizzlies a second round match-up with the Minnesota Golden Gophers but alas, I cannot possibly pick a team whose name is so misleading (this university is located in Michigan, not California) and whose school motto includes the term “we are not made to live like brutes”. (3) Pittsburgh
(7) Brigham Young v (10) Florida: Students at Brigham Young are required to adhere to an honour code that requires academic honesty, adherence to dress and grooming standards and abstinence from premarital sex and the consumption of any alcohol. This is somewhat enforced by the “Domestic Organisation”, a group of teachers who visit students homes to check on their activities. It all sounds very Nazi Germany to me but at any rate the hoops team should be focussed against Billy Donovan’s team, who is currently in a downswing. Also, they have a shooter called The Jimmer who can drain them from anywhere and may be the most exciting white boy in the tourney. (7) Brigham Young
(2) Kansas State v (15) North Texas: North Texas has plenty of firsts in American life with the school the first to offer a jazz studies program, the first to offer an oil and petroleum accounting program and the first to have an online library in the U.S. Unfortunately the “Mean Green” have never won a Tournament game. (2) Kansas State
West Region: Round 2
(1)Syracuse v (8) Gonzaga: I can’t really get into The Orange of ‘Cuse but I do dig their coach, Jim Boeheim, who has won a national title and made a couple more Final Fours and overcome cancer and starred in two basketball classics, Blue Chips and He Got Game. He has been coaching the Orange since 1976 and I like a long-term stint. (1) Syracuse
(12) University of Texas, El Paso v (13) Murray State: “Am on the hill overlooking El Paso; I can see Rosa’s Cantina below. My love is strong and it pushes me onward. Down off the hill to Felina I go.” I have been unable to find any song about Murray, Kentucky.
(12) University of Texas, El Paso
(3) Pittsburgh v (11) Minnesota: The polio vaccine was developed at the University of Pittsburgh. Surely Pitt and Jamie Dixon can break down Tubby Smith’s ball-line defence. (3) Pittsburgh
(2) Kansas State v (7) Brigham Young: The BYU honour code also prevents males from having sideburns “below the earlobe or on to the cheek” while all haircuts must “leave the ear uncovered.” Pornography is not only banned but until 2009, so was You Tube. I don’t think Himmler ran such a tight ship. The Cougars may be a little tight come round two so get on board the Wildcats. (2) Kansas State
West Region: Sweet Sixteen
(1)Syracuse v (12) University of Texas, El Paso: The dream run of UTEP will continue through to the Elite Eight with the elimination of #1 seed Syracuse. It will be the greatest moment for the school since Don Haskins took the university then known as Texas Western to the NCAA Championship in 1966 with the school fielding the first all-black team to win the NCAA Championship, defeating the all-white Kentucky in the final.
(12) University of Texas, El Paso
(2) Kansas State v (3) Pittsburgh: The once vaunted Kansas State program fell away after the sixties to not much with the Wildcats having not made a Sweet Sixteen since 1988. This is their highest ever seed, however, and against a young Pittsburgh team, they can move to the Elite Eight.
(2) Kansas State
West Region: Elite Eight
(2) Kansas State v (12) University of Texas, El Paso: The fairytale will end in the Elite Eight for UTEP, whose stoic run through the Tournament will be lauded far and wide. They will be no match for the electric backcourt of Kansas State though. Kansas State coach Frank Martin also will not allow UTEP to get away with anything, Martin widely regarded as the heir apparent to Bob Knight. (2) Kansas State
South Region: Round 1
(1)Duke v (16) University of Arkansas, Pine Bluff: UAPB is one of the leading institutions in aquaculture studies. The Golden Lions started the season 0-11 but went on to win their conference, conference tournament and the play-in game and now they will get the honour of getting bullied and beaten by Duke. (1) Duke
(8) California v (9) Louisville: Personal hero Hunter Thompson was born in Louisville and I do feel a far greater affinity with the Kentuckian way than I do the Californian. I also like that the world’s first ever hand transplant occurred at Louisville back in ’99. Coach Rick Pitino is a loathsome jackass but the Cards play a free flowing style that is enjoyable to watch. (9) Louisville
(5) Texas A&M v (12) Utah State: This battle of the Aggies is a coin toss. Texas A&M gets the nod because they have won a game at the Tournament in each of the last four years, one of only six teams with such an honour. (5) Texas A&M
(4) Purdue v (13) Siena: “The NCAA Tourney is always a time of visions and confusing hallucinations.” Raoul Duke came up with those wise words. That is exactly how I came up with Siena rolling Purdue. (13) Siena
(6) Notre Dame v (11) Old Dominion: The Fighting Irish against the Monarchs and I am breaking this town on St. Patrick’s Day. No contest. Notre Dame by 37. Lock it in. (6) Notre Dame
(3) Baylor v (14) Sam Houston State: The secret society of the NoZe Brotherhood resides at Baylor. The Noze Brotherhood was originally formed back in 1924 as a joke regarding a student’s large nose, something I can empathise somewhat with. Since then the Brotherhood has become renowned for pranks and jokes, targeting various groups from faculty members to the Southern Baptist Convention. Since forced underground after a bridge painting and burning incident in the sixties, members wear Groucho Marx glasses, noses and moustaches. Their finest hour was dropping 4,000 ping pong balls in chapel. (3) Baylor
(7) Richmond v (10) St. Mary’s: The oldest athletic club at St. Mary’s is the Rugby Club. I can’t have a bar of that. With Patty Mills now in the NBA, I have no allegiance to the Gaels and with the Richmond Spiders heavily featured towards the backend of John Feinstein’s wonderful book “Last Dance”, we will be going hard at Richmond. Name suggests certain defeat, however. Note: St. Mary’s do have five Australians playing. (7) Richmond
(2) Villanova v (15) Robert Morris: Robert Morris has never gotten past the first round of the tournament. Villanova are coming off a Final Four run in 2009. (2) Villanova
South Region: Round 2
(1)Duke v (9) Louisville: Hunter Thompson may have been from Louisville but he cheered on Duke to the very end. The Blue Devils were usually the way he would like to bet, at any rate. He may have been a winner, he may have been a loser but he knew good basketball and he respected Coach K. (1) Duke
(5) Texas A&M v (13) Siena: Siena is named after St. Bernardino of Siena, the patron saint of advertising, communications, respiratory problems and most importantly, compulsive gambling. I have to believe Bernardino will help us all out and at least have Siena cover the big spread. (13) Siena
(3) Baylor v (6) Notre Dame: Notre Dame’s greatest claim to fame in men’s hoops is ending the legendary UCLA’s 88-game win streak in 1974. Under John Wooden, those early seventies UCLA teams were the greatest college basketball has ever seen. Prior to that they ended a 45-game win streak from UCLA. The Irish rise to the occasion. (6) Notre Dame
(2) Villanova v (7) Richmond: The Spiders have an experienced team who battle hard on every play being aggressive on defence and hard with the ball. Villanova is believed to have a series of secret underground tunnels and blocked off underground wings found only by a secret stairwell. It is tempting to go with ‘Nova but we will stick with basketball fundamentals and go Richmond. (7) Richmond
South Region: Sweet Sixteen
(1)Duke v (13) Siena: Coach K has had troubles getting past the Sweet Sixteen in recent years but they will be too well rounded for Siena. As an added bonus, the patron saint of compulsive gambling will ensure the Dukies cover the spread. (1) Duke
(6) Notre Dame v (7) Richmond: Rudy was a touching film about a kid who lacked talent and build but still dreamed of playing football for Notre Dame. He initially doesn’t get admitted to Notre Dame but transfers over in his last semester of eligibility despite being diagnosed with dyslexia. Rudy eventually gets to suit up in the final game of his senior year after fellow players pressured the coach to play him. It was a touching tale and a mostly true one at that. If the Fighting Irish have the heart of Rudy, they should get a spot in the Elite Eight. (6) Notre Dame
South Region: Elite Eight
(1)Duke v (6) Notre Dame: I wish J.J Redick was still at Duke. He is the skipper of my all-time white guy fundamentals five. Back four and five years ago when J.J was owning all the scoring titles and all the accolades and all the fun, the Blue Devils were a joy to watch. They aren’t so fun this time around but they are probably better with Scheyer, Singler and Smith. Duke is heading to the Final Four for the first time since 2004.
The Final Four:
(2) Kansas State v (5) Michigan State: Kansas State are riding the momentum of one of their best ever years. Frank Martin has a classy backcourt with guards Denis Clemente and Jacob Pullen and a quality junior forward in Curtis Kelly. This year the Wildcats went 26-7 but had only four losses to teams that weren’t Kansas. They went 4-0 against Top 25 teams if you take out Kansas with a win over then #1 Texas and two wins over Baylor season highlights. Michigan State enter the tournament on a 7-5 run and a sound platform of solid defence but Tom Izzo’s men probably lack the class to down Kansas State. The only way the Wildcats don’t advance is if they throw it away. (2) Kansas State
(1) Duke v (4) Wisconsin: I really love the Badgers this year and figure they can get up over Duke if they can keep it close and put the pressure on Coach K and the Blue Devils. The weight of expectation can crush even the strongest and Duke will be heavily favoured in this match and throughout the Tournament. Anything short of a championship game and the performance will be seen as a disappointment. The Badgers have the right game for tourney play with the fewest turnovers in the nation, a sharp coach and five legit scoring threats. The Badgers went 3-1 against ranked opponents and 2-0 against the ACC with wins over Duke and Maryland. The Badger just keeps on prowling. (4) Wisconsin
The National Championship Game:
(2) Kansas State v (4) Wisconsin: Everything that needs to be said has already been said. Down to the Last Dance, I have to stick with Wisconsin. They are more experienced, have a coach with more Final Four experience and are better rounded. They will look to lock down the talented Kansas State backcourt and turn this into a physical shutdown encounter. I think they can do it.
NCAA Tournament Champion: Wisconsin