San Franciscan Nights, Michael Vick Stomped and the Hawks Soar Higher: An NFC Preview
Those at The Huntington, high on Nob Hill, seemed nonplussed by my return. It was a decade since the last “incident” at The Huntington and it appears as if the powers-that-be have not forgotten. And so be it. They take my green, they accept the dangers and inconveniences that go with it.
I had managed to escape Australia, if only for the briefest time, after the Raiders improbable near-victory over the Storm. It was near fitting, near ideal. But like reality and most Irvine Welsh reads, the ending was no fairytale, the finale not pretty.
Amy harangued me all evening demanding payment for expenses and muttering terms like owed and Small Claims Tribunal. “I’ll fucking follow you to America you bum”, she screeched, obviously shaken at having to deal with some mad lesbians. I laughed it off and demanded she never call me again. And that, should she attempt to follow me to San Fran, I’d inform the relevant authorities of her dabblings in religious radicalism and social revolution.
She tried calling again but I switched the Portable Telephone off and re-adjusted the cuffs of my shirt and continued talking to some mustachioed Malibu drinker about my desperate sadness and furious anger at the de-recognition of Pluto as a planet.
When I arrived-having dumped all luggage and packages in the hands of a seemingly capable bell boy at the Huntington named Pedro- I headed straight for Union Square and more specifically, Les Joulins, A Jazz Bistro, and scarfed down a healthy serving of braised beef short ribs and fries and drank myself into a contented frenzy listening to local musicians interpret A Love Supreme.
Around lunch time the next day, after breakfast at Roy’s to settle a most upset stomach, I headed to Niners training camp. I have nothing to say. The road is long and Steve Young left town along time ago. I won’t be watching anymore. Praying seems more productive. If the Niners draft God, they may make eight wins.
It is all too painful to think about. Some words on the NFC…
The East
This is a hard and heavy division, the pride of the NFC and the big payday for the teams involved. Of the four teams in the NFC East, all four can win. Superficially, all four can win the Super Bowl. Without doubt, the NFC East is full of silky skills, hard hits and the sweet hatred that makes football the institution it is. Four big market teams with wads of cash, a desperate need for victory and pure, liquid hatred flowing freely through their veins…a powder keg on the verge of explosion. Combined with the compelling sub-plots that flow beneath the surface of the NFC East, divisional games here will be firmly placed among the highlight games of 2006. But no team from the NFC East will win the Super Bowl. They will flog the hell out of each other and probably all go .500 but when it’s time for the nuts, the tanks will be empty.
The pick for the NFC East, in the face of high paid experts and the supposed gents in the know, is the Washington Redskins. The Skins look good this year with great running (Portis, Duckett) and catching (Moss, Lloyd, Randle El), a sound line and a defense that has few holes in it. The only concern- and this is where the Skins season swings- is quarterback Mark Brunell and his aging arm. If he can play capably, like last season, the Skins will be near the top of the pile.
Dallas appear their biggest threat on paper but are blowing up as each day rolls by. They have a master coach in Bill Parcels, a very good defense and a decent special teams unit for the first time in years. Offensively, the Cowboys also look sound with QB Drew Bledsoe still capable, Terrell Owens ready to pull balls in and Julius Jones a promising runner. But this is not where it all ends for America’s Team. T.O won’t train and is driving Parcells insane, to the point that there is a legitimate chance he won’t play opening day and all of a sudden, we have another Eagles-2005 on the back pages. With Parcells dislike of Bledsoe, this Cowboys campaign could explode at any moment. 10-6 is my feel, but that is if all slides into place, something seemingly increasingly unlikely.
Of the other two, the Giants look the stronger. Despite an ordinary coach, the Giants will win games on the back of QB Eli Manning and running back Tiki Barber, as well as a sound defence led by Michael Strahan. A wildcard is not beyond the Giants. But, for me, it is beyond the Eagles. McNabb is just not as good a hurler as most would have you believe. Combined with few targets, a flat running game, a pass-happy coach and only a fair offensive line, the Eagles may struggle against divisional rivals. Still, with an easy schedule, an improved season is on the cards.
The North
If the year was 1966 and we’d never heard of punk rock, the internet, titanium drivers, El Maco burgers or televised poker, this would be the preeminent division in football. But it’s 2006 and the teams that compromise the NFC North are not the football heavyweights they once were. Lambeau Field is still a magical place and Soldier Field is still feared and the names Packers, Bears, Vikings and Lions throw you back to great names and great times and great memories but in 2006, fear and victory are two terms you won’t be using in relation to the NFC North. For the sides that aren’t named the Chicago Bears, 2006 is about rebuilding or reliving, not rings and records.
The Bears will win the NFC North and that is for sure and certain. And that is merely a matter of default rather than any element of ostentatious talent or precocious ability that will propel the Bears deep into January. They will be there in January. But they will be out pretty damned quick. There is no doubt that the Bears have a fine defensive unit, one of the leading groups in the NFL. Linebacker Brian Urlacher is regarded as the best middleman in the NFL, the defensive line is filled with class acts like Adewale Ogunleye and Alex Brown and a strong secondary, led by CB Nathan Vasher, can make big plays. Without doubt, the Bears can shut down the pass and the run. But with the ball, the Bears offer what would hardly be considered a Super Bowl contender offense. Last year the Bears ranked 29th with the ball and have done little to improve. Orton is gone from QB but has only been replaced by the mediocre Rex Grossman, who will try and stave off back-up Brian Griese. They have no standout receivers. They have a capable running game, with Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson both reasonable prospects, but neither is a gamebreaker. They have a fair offensive line. So while the Bears are headed to the playoffs again, there will be no need to make room for any extra silverware. Quarterbacks like Rex Grossman don’t win Super Bowls.
The remaining three teams will be looking at improvement and good signs for 2007. The Packers will improve from their awful season last year, bar the mass onset of injuries to key components that paralysed the side last season. QB Brett Favre is not nearly as poor as he has been made out to be in recent times and with a healthy running game and some quality targets, the Packers should be able to win their share, particularly at home. The Vikings are in a similar position. A new coach, an aging quarterback and an eye on the future. With a solid defense, they will be around the .500 mark but anything more appears wishful thinking by those with an affinity to Fargo and Hubert Humphrey. A few close wins and an adaptation to the new system and those running the Vikings will be happy. The remaining side, the Detroit Lions, are no hope. They are appallingly run and will not make much of a thump this season. If they couldn’t do it with Barry Sanders, they won’t with Kevin Jones. Jon Kitna is an upgrade at QB but that is the only positive that can be mentioned. Another rough year for Detroit fans, another year of frustration and self loathing.
The South
There is something extraordinarily dull about the NFC South. The division, on face value, appears dour, lifeless and bland, the arrowroot biscuit in the NFL bakery. Dour, in spite of the fact the most eccentric quarterback in the NFL, the most highly touted draft pick in a decade and the most widely selected team to win the 2006 Super Bowl all call the NFC South home. It’s a funny world, the old NFC South…
To this keen eye, the Panthers will win the NFC South and should take eleven wins in the process. But I state that with little confidence and no money wagered. On paper, the Panthers are clearly dominant. Anyone who wants to argue a Michael Vick Falcons can see below and then see me outside where I will let rip in a whirling dervish of anger and paternal conceitedness. The Panthers have a grand dual receiving corps of Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson, a decent running game, reliable special teams and a fearsome defense led by multiple pro bowler Julius Peppers. But QB Jake Delhomme is still a punk, completely unreliable on the road and completely uninspiring on all fronts. If the Panthers fail to win the South, this is the man who should be tied up and stoned, and not in the puff puffy goodness way…
The biggest threats to the Panthers are the Tampa Bay Bucs who, despite their positives, have been hammered by a ball crunching schedule. The biggest plus for the Bucs is their coach, Jon Gruden. He is a guru, a football man to the core, a man who gets the best out of his side. In two decades time, the name Gruden will be measured alongside Belichick, Landry, Lombardi and Parcells. The NFL Chris Anderson. Over the whole field, the Bucs are solid. In very few areas do they excel. They pass well, Cadillac Williams can run, Galloway and Clayton can catch and there is no real weakness in defense. They probably lack the oomph to make a Super Bowl run but they will be right in the running for a wild card gig. 9-7 for me.
Neither the Saints nor the Falcons can win it and neither will make the playoffs. The Saints are building something nice and are legitimate contenders for 2007 if this season clicks. Drew Brees was a great acquisition at QB- a monster upgrade on Aaron Brooks- and draft pick Reggie Bush is the future of the NFL and the face of this franchise. Where the Saints fail is defense. Simply, they have nothing. And the Falcons, well, they don’t have much more than a fair defense, an overrated QB and a one dimensional game plan. Michael Vick, without doubt, is the most overrated player in the NFL and you can see above if you want to argue the point. He can’t throw, has no faith in his receivers and has a tendency to make worse decisions than the South Sydney rugby league club. He will run, opponents will shut him down and that is that. They may go 8-8 but that is their ceiling.
The West
The NFC West is that inner city ghetto in the throes of gentrification, where the rich and the poor and the stupid and the intellectual mix together like animals in some perverted, Roald Dahl inspired zoo that only psychoanalysts and readers of The Dice Man would visit. From the high flying, educated Seattle Seahawks to the struggling has-been San Francisco 49ers, the NFC West offers the whole spectrum of footballing abilities, the whole gambit of talents and chances and hopes. The NFC West, the best and worst in football. All very Zen in its contrast, very Cape Town in its disparity.
At the top of the pile, the new three story, mid-town property with balcony, freshly painted weatherboards and a study, are the Seattle Seahawks. The Hawks, this season, are set to take the mantle of the best team in football. They will stomp the Super Bowl loser mock so hard it will be as forgotten as the Curse of the Bambino by season’s end. Offensively, Seattle are unmatched in the NFL. Shaun Alexander, NFL MVP last season, is one of the elite runners in the game, a back with a knack for finding the hole and the line. He can go inside and outside with equal effectiveness and his catching is no weakness. Matt Hasselbeck has evolved into one of the sharpest and most effective quarterbacks in the NFL, calling valuable plays and then throwing them accurately. These two aces, played with a strong offensive line that includes multiple all-pro tackle Walter Jones and a more than capable receiving corps, make Seattle a team to fear. And off the ball, the Seahawks are nearly as effective. A mean line, an upgraded linebacker group and a sound set of defensive backs will give Seattle some pop in defense. With an easy divisional schedule and a not-too-taxing remainder, the Hawks should win at least twelve games this season and a return to the Super Bowl is on the cards.
At the other end, my beloved San Francisco 49ers, the bearded bums of the NFL who can find neither home nor love. Make no mistake, these are not the Joe Montana 49ers, the Steve Young 49ers. This is 2006. And this is Alex Smith’s 49ers. And from his small hands downwards, it does not bode well. They will not win four games this year. In no position are the Niners out of the bottom quarter of the NFL other than kicking, where Joe Nedney is a star in San Fran. The future holds hope- this is a young side being rebuilt- but in 2006, four wins will be viewed as successful.
Stuck in the middle, the Arizona Cardinals and the St Louis Rams. Neither will make the playoffs. The Cards are improved and are building something that will threaten in years to come. But not in 2006. While they signed Edgerrin James and drafter Matt Leinart, the Cards are still weak in the O-line and no team wins with a bad line. And defensively, they are just not effective enough, making too few big plays last season and not upgrading enough to change this. 8-8 looks about the mark for them. And the Rams, heading in the opposite direction of Arizona, offer little and will finish around the seven win mark. The new coach and new system will see a change in the Rams style and that won’t suit, to my eye anyway.
Treat the above and the following as lore. Decent advice, at any rate. Seattle will win the NFC and will head to another Super Bowl and this time, will go one better. Carolina, if Delhomme can avoid playing like a bitch, appear to be the main threat. Washington and Chicago will be in the playoffs, as will Dallas and Tampa Bay. The New York Giants may sneak in.
And Michael Vick will again be hyped and will again let the good folk of Atlanta down and having to deal with that kind of heat, who knows how those Georgians will react. Menacingly is my guess.
That is how it is, NFC style.