Grime Washes Off But a Filthy Soul Cannot Be Cleansed: The Rat King Returns

“And knowing the times called for judgement
On the wrongs and rights of the day
I scratched the court’s black and white
And rode a horse of dapple-grey”
-When I Was King, Charles Jenkins and the Zhivagos

Charles Jenkins knows a thing or two about class. He has just put out arguably the best Australian album of the decade and the best album I have heard in at least two years in Blue Atlas, a recording that will ease you through your afternoons whistling catchy tunes and muttering beautifully crafted lines. He has the cleverness of Stuart Murdoch, the narrative abilities of Paul Kelly and the sensitive charm of Nick Drake. If time allowed and the ways of the world were different, I would escort each and every reader to the closest decent record store, witness the transaction and then assist in finding the nearest listening device to view the look of rare joy and total happiness that only brilliant song-writing can bring. It is 42 minutes bestowed upon us by Apollo and his fellow heavenly patrons of music and only the mad, the ignorant and the foolhardy would be improvident enough to let is pass by. “Shelley Winters” is a stunning opening track that flirts unashamedly with sadness and cinematic nostalgia, “Rolling Into Houston” captures the essence of travel as well as any tune ever penned and “No Fun (Johnston Street)” is a beautiful song of loneliness in Melbourne. Charles is a craftsman of the highest order and while this striking album with The Zhivagos and The Blue Atlas Strings won’t change your life, it will make existence all the more pleasurable. One play and it was my favourite album of the year. Three and it leapt into the top echelon with Hourly Daily, The Life Pursuit, Vampire Weekend, Is This It, Temple of Low Men, Post, Doolittle and The La’s.

Charles also has the ability to wear a scarf as stylishly as any man I have ever met. More impressively, he had the class to show a failed scarf wearer as myself how it is done, a revelation I have been waiting over a decade for.

It was after many pints at The Retreat in Brunswick, a fine establishment for the consumption of music and beer and interesting times. The Pictures had played a very good show and we wandered to the nearby house of our very gracious hosts Nick and Cindy once last drinks had been called. Beers, wine, articulation and a most pleasant sing-a-long. Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” with Zhivago Dave on guitar. So, so you think you can tell, Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Somewhere amongst the festivities- a timeline is relatively hard to establish considering the circumstances- this fine scarf wearing gentleman with poetry in his bones put the demonstration on, noting in great detail the importance of length, loops and lie. After years of scarf wearing frustration, answers have finally been attained and tranquillity of knowledge has ultimately arrived.

It is a great shame that Ricky Ponting doesn’t have the same kind of class as a Charles Jenkins.

The Rat King once again embarrassed Australia and showed himself up to be an ignorant fool with his ungracious comments after the opening Ashes Test. In true Rat King fashion, Ponting hypocritically slammed England for playing outside the spirit of cricket. “They can play whatever way they want to play. We came to play by the rules and spirit of the game. It’s up to them to do what they want to do.”

It is doubtful a greater untruth has ever been uttered in relation to cricket.

England went for a bit of gamesmanship in the last few overs of the Test by sending out the twelfth man and the physiotherapist. England’s tactics certainly had an off smell about them but the last player in world cricket who can reference the spirit of cricket when criticising the tactics of the opposition is Ricky Ponting, the man who has presided over a team that has flouted the spirit of cricket incessantly and without regret since he has taken the reins.

Ponting’s record of playing outside the spirit of cricket speaks for itself. Ponting has found himself caught in numerous unsavoury incidents involving opponents, umpires and even opposition coaches. Australia has been fined 20 times (thanks Matthew Syed of
The Times) for slow over rates under his leadership. Ponting refuses to walk yet looks incredulous when an opponent does the same. He, along with players under his leadership, have claimed questionable catches and have made a habit out of over-appealing, putting sustained pressure on the umpires with the team’s aggressive demeanour. Even his role in matters like team selection is outside the spirit of the game, allowing personal favouritism to dictate over proven performance.

Even in the Cardiff Test the Australian team stepped outside the boundaries of the spirit of cricket with the prime example being The Rat King’s display of disgust when a bat-pad decision went against the Australians on the final day. Ponting behaved like a snotty little rich kid denied a second handful of candy from his exasperated nanny. He pouted, he shook his dead, he looked like he was about to cry. All this infantile carry-on from the captain of the Australian cricket team and the self-appointed protector of the spirit of cricket despite just a single replay proving the umpire to be unequivocally correct.

This was but the latest example of the distorted prism the Australian cricket team view the world through and yet another illustration of the double standards the Australian cricket team operate under since Ricky Ponting took charge.

Ponting’s classless outburst came as little surprise. It came about after yet another great captaincy failing that once again cost Australia a Test match and could very well cost Australia the Ashes. It was a verbal eruption no doubt a result of the frustration at missing another opportunity and it was designed to deflect the attention from his decision to throw the ball to part-time spinner Marcus North in the final overs.

In scenes reminiscent of Nagpur, where Ponting tossed the ball to Cameron White and Mike Hussey with Australia in desperate need of victory, the skipper in all his wisdom opted against bowling one of his strike weapons. In doing so, he severely hampered Australia’s hopes of victory. Peter Siddle, who had bowled his heart out all Test, was ignored. Mitchell Johnson, Australia’s leading Test match wicket taker over the last twelve months, was overlooked. Ben Hilfenhaus, who had the ball swinging all match, was disregarded. Ponting was going to run with an off-spinner who was lucky to gain a start and a part-time tweaker with two Test match wickets.

Ponting’s justification was time but any decent captain would have taken quality over quantity and backed one of the big guns. Would Steve Waugh have thrown the ball to Damien Martyn or Glenn McGrath? Would Mark Taylor have gone for Craig McDermott or Mark Waugh? Well Ricky Ponting just opted for Marcus North ahead of Mitchell Johnson and every other professional bowler in the team.

He argued, weakly, that he needed to get as many balls at the English tailenders as possible. Both Jimmy Anderson and Andrew Strauss have publicly stated at how delighted they were with the decision. With only one wicket needed the right play was to throw on a dangerous quick. The Rat King’s decision to go with a questionably competent spinner and a part-timer was clearly yet another disastrous move by a captain renowned for them.

Ricky Ponting may be able to bat like a beast but he leads like a one legged schizophrenic turkey. He is certainly more Douglas Haig than Douglas Macarthur.

The Rat King is just that: a dirty, filthy rodent who’s only guiding force is self preservation. He cites the spirit of cricket in criticism of an opponent yet no player in my lifetime has contravened said spirit more, either directly or as a matter of complicity. Worse than his hypocrisy and obvious delusions is his inept captaincy that has cost Australia yet another Test match. He is classless in his demeanour and clueless in his decision-making.

The time has come for Ponting to be informed that his services are no longer required as skipper. Such opportunity has arisen in the past and has always been declined.

This time, however, the Ashes are on the line and there will be no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. If Ricky Ponting is not removed as captain immediately, Australia will not defeat England and the Ashes will once more return to England.

You can’t turn an elephant into Einstein and you can’t cleanse a filthy soul.