Splashing Around in the Muck and the Mire: The Rat King Now Plays Cricket

Those who roll in circles of freaky intellectualism and rodent management are aware of the rat king. Some believe it to be mythical but those who purport such nonsense are fools and have obviously never found it necessary to splash around in the muck and the mire. The rat king, for those unaware, is the phenomenon that occurs when a number of rats become intertwined at their tails to the point where they have physically merged with their fellow rodents to form one multi-headed monster. The rats grow together and eventually become a single entity. That, Dear Reader, is the rat king. It is the foulest of all beasts, one so inherently disgusting in nature that most decent citizens of humanity burst blood vessels in their eyeballs when they pay witness to one and the mere thought of a rat king can send those with low blood sugar levels into a state of severe personal dystopia where violent convulsions and scratching at the jugular become the norm. There is no viler, more vomit-inducing creature on this world or any other for that matter. I am not ashamed to say that I have a deep fear embedded in my psyche of the rodent and the strange and terrible notion of a rat king has kept me sleepless on many lonely evenings, many of which were spent in Hong Kong hotels.

The rat king, quite luckily, is a lot less common this century than in the days where the rat held a lot more sway. Modern medicine and technological advancement have rendered the rat, for the most part, more nuisance than nemesis and the post Plague days, when the rat was as powerful as any army, have been a period of decline for the rodent species. And, of course, the rat king, who has become a mere oddity of history.

But the rat king, occasionally, makes an appearance. And last Sunday, on a shadow-drenched and controversy-covered SCG wicket, a rat king emerged from the sewers and danced in full public view. The current Australian cricket team bears all the traits of a rat king and it is the shame of a nation that this beast is the new emblem of our national team in our national sport, the creature that most accurately portrays the behaviour of our Australian cricket team. Like the rat king, the Ricky Ponting-led Australian cricket team is short on dignity and respect for others. Competitors merely exist for the nourishment of the beast. Fill the belly. And if the competitors dare put up a fight in any manner, low rent tactics and pathetic whinnying become the order of the day. Self-interest is the only concern of the rat king and the Australian cricket team.

The Australian cricket team, simply, are a disgrace to a nation and a blight on the noble game of cricket and Ricky Ponting is the man who must take the pig’s belly of the blame. Over five days, all that is wrong and disgusting and hypocritical and petulant about the Ricky Ponting-led Australian team was on public display. It was there for the world to see and all true Australians writhed in discomfort as the rat king who represents us on the cricket field gutted the spirit of cricket with their bitchiness, their arrogance and their downright gutter-snipe behaviour. There are not too many Australians who would be upset to see effigies of Ricky Ponting burning bright in places such as Mumbai and Bangalore and Chennai. And it takes a lot for Australians to appreciate an effigy. Ricky Ponting has embarrassed us all with his hypocrisy, his stupidity and his self indulgent behaviour.

And he should be sacked from the Australian captaincy forthwith. Australian cricket never reached such shameful depths under Waugh or Taylor or Border or any other captain for that matter. Never mind the results. A monkey jacked on crystal meth with a penchant for softcore pornography could lead this Australian cricket team to world supremacy.

What we witnessed over five days in Sydney was a whirling dervish of poor sportsmanship, pettiness, hypocrisy, insulting decision making, good luck masked as skill, the trivialization of racism and the concerted effort to eradicate an individual who has caused the power in the Australian cricket team grief. There was also some decent cricket played.

India, without doubt, was hammered out of the Test by poor umpiring. They received some appalling decisions. Umpires Bucknor and Benson must accept most of the blame. Ricky Ponting and the Australian team are, however, not absolved. They persistently appealed for dismissals that were clearly not out and they claimed dismissals that would have infuriated themselves had it have been the Indian’s fielding and the Australians batting. See the Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid second innings decisions. The rat king would have spewed forth a foul mouthed and aggressive diatribe about being cheated whilst proclaiming cricket was not being played in the right spirit. To further insult the Indian’s and the game, Australia refused to accept seemingly obvious dismissals. See Michael Clarke refusing to walk when he was caught at first slip.

Ricky Ponting has constantly harped on about the need to accept the word of the fieldsman when a catch is deemed to be contentious yet his own players will not walk. Combined with the fact the Australian team claim many dubious catches, as both Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke did in Sydney, the Australian position can only be described as hypocritical, self-serving and full of contradictions. When it suits Australia, they profess the need for honesty in the game. When it doesn’t, the dog-driven competitiveness kicks in to ensure success. Ricky Ponting has long pointed out the fine spirit and absolute honesty in which his side plays cricket and often refers to selected portions of recent history to justify actions. During the last Test, Ponting used the fact he was unsure of a catch in the first innings proved his honesty and that of the Australian team when justifying two final day catches with a Test match on the line. That is akin to a thief saying that he is not involved in the pilfering game because he did not steal a pack of cigarettes yesterday, despite the fact he has a bag of cash and a sawn-off shotgun and was just seen in a bank. Ponting’s argument pays no heed to proportion and is insulting to anybody who has witnessed his team play cricket.

Of course, the duplicitous double-standards in regards contentious catches by the Australian cricket team hardly touches the severe and total hypocrisy of reporting Indian spinner Harbhajan Singh. Australia has turned the sledge into a low brow art form like burping the alphabet or the carnival sideshow. Mental disintegration is a tactic embraced by the Australian side and has been for a long time. The policy has always been what happens on the field, stays on the field and that is that. This pseudo rule, of course, was designed to protect their bad behaviour but even so, it provided an even playing ground for opponents who were well aware they were within their rights to respond in kind. Yet the rules of engagement have changed, seemingly, in recent times. Australia are free to serve up any kind of abuse they see fit yet an opponent must keep his mouth shut or he will be reported. The reporting of Singh by the Australian team for “racial abuse” is embarrassing to the nation and hypocrisy of the highest order. It is the same attitude of the schoolyard bully who has just been smacked around for the first time and runs off crying to the teacher.

Reporting Singh also trivializes the very real problem of genuine racism in sport. Symonds has said he was not offended by the term ‘monkey’ yet Australia could not report Singh quick enough. All the while, Ponting and the remainder of the rat king labeled a number of Indian players ‘bastards’, a term considered highly offensive in sub-continental circles. It is truly astounding that Ponting is so oblivious to his own contradicting words and actions that he would have the bottle to accuse Singh of a racially motivated attack on Andrew Symonds.

The petulant behaviour of Ponting in regards Singh certainly lends credence to the notion, touted in many well-informed circles, that if the player involved was not particularly talented, the leadership of the Australian cricket team would not have been so quick on the draw nor as vicious in the duel. If the player involved was not the one bowler in the world who has totally dominated the Australian captain, it seems unlikely that Singh would have been chased down with such vigour. Harbhajan has totally flummoxed Ponting and now Ponting, his manhood challenged, has resorted to the primordial instinct of destruction.

The behaviour of the Australian team at the immediate conclusion of the Test was just as disgraceful. Rather than shake the hands of the unlucky Indian team and rather than congratulate Indian skipper Anil Kumble after a courageous dig, the Australian team, without grace or decency, rushed into a scene of great intimacy and celebrated as a bunch of eight year old girls would if they found an unlimited supply of gummy bears. Ponting then proceeded to angrily chastise Tony Greig for having the bollocks to question his ridiculously overdue declaration. Anyone who understands cricket knows that Ponting declared an hour plus late and was saved from yet another wrong decision by some incompetent umpiring. Nobody has forgotten the 2005 Ashes Ricky and you would serve yourself well to accept your shortcomings as a captain.

Sack Ricky Ponting. And kill the rat king. That is the message here. If you get the head, you will eradicate the body. Ricky Ponting is too stupid, too selfish and too contradicting to be Australian captain. Give the job to somebody who can handle it. Ricky Ponting should be driven from the second most important position in the country and shamed in public at high noon. That is the only way any lessons will be learned and pride in the game restored. It is time to drag cricket from the muck and the mire. It is time to kill the rat king.