Ten Happenings for 2010

2010 is upon us. To date it has been nothing but a blur of alcohol fuelled festivities, nostalgic reminiscing of the noughties and one wild day where an application to become the skipper of a boat for what some would call a minor celebrity ended in hands being thrown at a well-to-do North Shore address. That seems like the perfect preparation for a forecast piece for the year that lies ahead. Now, ten things that are sure to happen in 2010…

1. Tiger Woods Return to Golf, Win British Open, World Continues Spinning

The most amusing tangent of the whole Tiger Woods saga is the completely void debate about how Woods will be treated when he returns to the PGA Tour. There are seemingly plenty of stupid, ignorant and downright foolish sports analysts and gossip columnists and social commentators who believe it is possible that there could be a decline in popularity of the Tiger. Tiger will be just as popular if not more when he returns. He will be adored by the hordes of men who make up his fanbase when he returns from a scandal that has revealed him as a sex addict with a penchant for rough sex, porn stars and filthy conversation as much, if not more, than he was before his image was shattered. Like Shane Warne, his brilliance and the makeup of his support allows his legend to thrive after an episode of public shaming when most would be exiled for years. Tiger is beloved almost solely by men and nearly all men would love to be loaded, play golf and sleep with a horde of hot women. The only thing that could possibly damage Tiger is the rumour that he has slept with men. Sports haven’t really shown a genuine affection for homosexual sports stars and it is doubtful a black bisexual in the most conservative sport in the world will really be embraced. There will be a good deal of his fanbase back away quietly if it is proven Tiger don’t mind a little man love. But that is a long shot. The good money will be on Tiger returning in time for the British Open, single and angry and in full fuck-you mode where he will be virtually unbeatable at St. Andrews. The legend of Tiger Woods will only grow in 2010, for good or ill.

2. Cronulla Run Last in the NRL, Ricky Stuart Fired Except Sharks Can’t Afford Payout

Sharks fans are fuming right now. How dare you suggest Cronulla will come last, these hardiest of souls are screaming. They will site their Premiership winning former Australian and New South Wales coach and his supposed wonderful abilities as a rugby league mentor despite the fact he has achieved virtually nothing in his time as a coach (two blown Grand Finals with the best team in the competition, a lost World Cup final). They will talk about what a stellar job the Sharks recruitment team has done with a huge influx of players including Paul Aiton, John Morris, Dean Collis, Taulima Tautai, Broderick Wright, Stuart Flanagan and Albert Kelly. Of those, only Aiton is a decent starter and the fact three recruits are hookers shouldn’t worry Sharks fans at all…most premiers focus on bringing in three hookers! The Sharks would have been better off throwing money at three of Con Ainge’s performers than spending up on John Morris and Stuart Flanagan. Cronulla will struggle to win five games and this will be the year the Shire turns on Stuart. And not soon enough I say…

3. Nathan Hauritz and Shane Watson Revealed as Frauds, Selectors Only Use the Axe on Simon Katich and Marcus North

Two five-wicket hauls where Nathan Hauritz cleaned up the weakest tail in world cricket and the pussy off-spinner is viewed as a hero and the answer to Australia’s spin problems by selectors. A summer chock full of nineties against two rubbish Test nations and Shane Watson has finally fulfilled all that potential that has justified his multitude of chances at Test level. That is the mentality of the selectors right now and no matter how much each of them fails, they will be locked into the Test team for the rest of 2010 and probably a lot longer. The same can’t be said of Simon Katich and Marcus North though. North probably deserves to be dropped but because he isn’t one of the boys he won’t be given an extended time to find his form. And Simon Katich, well, if he isn’t fit for Hobart then he may never play Test cricket again. Selectors are desperate to reinstate Phil Hughes permanently and Simon Katich is on the wrong side of the power axis in the Australian shed. The Kat may be the best bat in the Australian top order but that won’t stop selectors from axing him while giving punks like Watson, Hauritz and Clarke even more chances.

4. And in Related News, Australia Loses the Ashes

Australia may have bounced back from the 2005 Ashes defeat with a 5-0 whitewash over England in 2006-07 when the Poms came out. Those were different times, however, and the likes of Warne, Langer, Hayden and McGrath were still on the books for Australia and England were a much more fragile team. This time around, England are a much tougher outfit while Australia look as weak as a crippled baby on the back of a panther. Australia could easily have lost three Tests this summer had they been playing a competent team. England are more than that. Congratulations Ricky Ponting…that will be three Ashes defeats.

5. The Jarryd Hayne of 2008 Returns

As sure as night follows day and chain smoking follows an episode of Mad Men, you can be sure that Jarryd Hayne and sportsmen like him hit the cruise control button the day after they sign a massive long term deal. Parramatta extended Hayne’s contract until 2014 after his brilliant Dally M Medal winning season in 2009 with Hayne now on $500,000 a year. That bodes about as well for the Eels as Hitler did for Poland. Hayne is a natural gunner who with the security of a big contract will return to being a merely competent player who will only pull out the odd big game when a representative jersey is on the line. Hayne personifies the contract year player. You couldn’t get enough on his star crashing back to earth in 2010.

6. Super 14 Season is Played Out, Nobody in Australia Cares

Can you feel it? The excitement, the anticipation, the yearning for the start of yet another Super 14 competition. Unless you live on the North Shore of Sydney, probably not. And even if you do spend your Saturday night at The Oaks wearing boat shoes and popping your collar, you are most likely only interested because you are expected to be interested. Quick pop quiz: name the last five winners of the Super 14. Done yet? Probably not. Nobody knows the answer to this and there are even fewer who care. The decline of rugby union in Australia will continue on in 2010.

7. Matthew Richardson Becomes the Most Interesting AFL Commentator

There won’t be much worth watching in the AFL this year with Richo now retired but we will all tune in anyway just to hear the wise words of the great man in his debut season as a caller and analyst. Richo hasn’t signed with a station yet but it is expected that he will join Ten as well as a radio station. Richo is one of the few footballers who is legitimately funny and thoughtful so already he is well ahead of most. And at any rate, it won’t be too difficult to stride past Robert Walls, Michael Christian and Terry Wallace in the Interesting Stakes.

8. Brett Favre Wins Super Bowl, Retires, Rises on the Third Day, Ascends to Heaven

The world just can’t get enough of Brett Favre and 2010 will be one to remember. Favre is less than a month away from winning the Super Bowl for the Minnesota Vikings. On his way he may put the fatal blow to his old Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game. He will hoist the Vince Lombardi trophy aloft while every football fan rushed to bow before his greatness. He will then announce his retirement and the football world will cry. Come July he will rise again. New goals, the same desire to play, a love of the pigskin. Our hearts will collectively bleed. He will have the Vikings flying when, with the Vikings playing the Packers at Lambeau, a ray of sunshine will emerge from the clouds and up Brett Favre will rise, the final earthly deed of a football god.

9. The Revival of Basketball in Australia Begins

A line in the sand has to be drawn this year if hoops is to survive as a relevant sport in
Australia and 2010 is the year to draw it. It may be blind faith but I have to believe that the powers-that-be at Basketball Australia and the NBL will get basketball back on track this year with a new and improved league. Basketball will return to Sydney and Brisbane. Fox Sports will cover every match. There will be a more palatable schedule. The stars of the league will be marketed properly. There will be a return to 12 minute quarters. Surely.

10. Tony Abbott Closes the Gap

The death of the Sunrise politician is nigh. Joe Hockey has proven himself to lack the bottle or the heart for the Liberal leadership and will never be called upon again. And this sickening deference to Kevin Rudd is coming to an end. There is an election due this year and while a Liberal victory would seem unlikely, it will be a damned close race. Tony Abbott has been impressive in his first few months as skipper of the Liberal team and his star will only shine further throughout the heat of an election campaign where his toughness and heart for the fight will be on display for all. He has an ability to stay on message, he understands the will of his support base and he is not afraid to take the fight to a hack like Rudd. The Liberals are gaining and come election night the result won’t be known until late into the evening.