The World Cup of Death: A World Cup Guide from a Soccer Atheist
I don’t really do soccer, truth be told. I find it incredibly dour, akin to being forced to go to Ikea on a Saturday afternoon to find some stool called a Frosta when all you want is an afternoon watching football, drinking beer and betting horses. I find the sport sloppy, slow, painfully frustrating and just a little emasculating, at least compared to the rest of the football codes around the world.
My dislike of soccer really says a lot. I watch nearly any sport. I can watch a minor league baseball triple-header, five straight days of Test match cricket, four consecutive days of a golf tournament, women’s tennis, snooker, darts, competitive eating and the final of the world spelling bee. I am a weather beaten sports fan who can take a lot. I cannot take soccer.
That is, until, the World Cup rolls around. Caught up in nationalistic jingoism, international geopolitics and unprecedented hyperbole, I spend nights watching soccer and days talking about it, thinking, eating, sleeping the World Cup. For four years I ignore the sport, only to reengage when the Big Dance comes to town for reasons that have very little do with soccer.
The one thing I am always taken with in the lead-up to the Cup is how every group is hit with the title the “Group of Death”. I find it hard to believe that every group is so hot that the only suitable label is that of death. But what do I know? I am a football heathen and for all I know the losing teams from each group of death are subjected to various forms of punishment and torture. So, without further ado, the World Cup of Death preview:
Group A: The Group of Hanging
The Group of Hanging is a thoroughly unlikable group with few redeeming features. South Africa is a loathsome country with a long history of apartheid, violent crime and rugby union. Strikes one, two and three. The Numbers Gang is quite probably the most violent and powerful prison gang in the world, a group with a taste for blood and sodomy not seen this side of Gomorrah. After seeing this video Click Here of Numbers Gang general John Mongrel, there is no way I would ever set foot in South Africa. The right wing French power structure in Vichy France killed rugby league as the most popular game in France and that is enough to pot those pansy cheese-eaters for life. Petain most likely did greater wrongs than overseeing the abolition of rugby league but as far as I’m concerned that is his most evil crime. That leaves us Mexico and Uruguay. I was extraordinarily ill last time I knocked back tequila but Los Amates on Johnson Street is the best Mexican restaurant in Australia, Taco Tuesday is a fine tradition and the country is a professional wrestling stronghold. Uruguay does have the most attractive head of state in the world, however, in Jose Mujica. Both Mexico and Uruguay to get out of the Group of Hanging but neither will advance much further.
1. Uruguay 2. Mexico
Group B: The Group of Scaphism
Only the Greeks could be vindictive enough to come up with scaphism. If you have never heard of it, count yourself lucky. From Wikipedia: “The naked person was firmly fastened within a back-to-back pair of narrow rowing boats (or a hollowed-out tree trunk), with the head, hands, and feet protruding. The condemned was forced to ingest milk and honey to the point of developing severe diarrhoea, and more honey would be rubbed on his body in order to attract insects to the exposed appendages. He or she would then be left to float on a stagnant pond or be exposed to the sun. The defenceless individual's faeces accumulated within the container, attracting more insects, which would eat and breed within his or her exposed and increasingly gangrenous flesh. The feeding would be repeated each day in some cases to prolong the torture, so that dehydration or starvation did not provide him or her with the release of death. Death, when it eventually occurred, was probably due to a combination of dehydration, starvation and septic shock. Delirium would typically set in after a few days.” Delightful. Hakeen Olajuwon is probably the best known Nigerian of all-time, an athletic big man who was one of the greatest NBA centres ever. This video shows just how good he was. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GCyU0sKxqI). Nigeria are also known as the Super Eagles, clearly one of the top mascot names at the Cup. Argentina will win the group and probably with some ease, though it surely has nothing to do with the country once harbouring Nazi war criminals. But it is the Super Eagles who should be watched.
1. Argentina 2. Nigeria
Group C: The Group of Water Boarding
The Group of Water Boarding is a stronghold of Whitey. This will prove a battle between England and the United States, the Poms and the Yanks, our once maternal guardian and our new paternal protector. I have always respected then United States’ sporting landscape not only for wonderful games like football, basketball and baseball but because of their general antipathy towards soccer. England, on the other hand, gobbles soccer up like an efficient crack whore in need of a fix. The world seems to loathe the United States but the first book I loved was the “U” World Book where I would read up on pre-1971 United States history and stare at the map and memorise state capitals. At any rate, I love watching England choke. This is a two-horse war. Algeria, while known as the Desert Foxes, are not renowned for being much good at anything outside of corruption (rank 111 out of 180 in a recent Transparency International report) while I once had a Slovenian stripper in Tokyo give me a lap dance where she fleeced me of my wallet and dignity and while that was plucky it was reflective of the country’s negative attitude. Or at least that is how I have taken it.
1. United States 2. England
Group D: The Group of Spontaneous Combustion
There is one segment of Australian society I would like to see obliterated and soon: these annoying fools who claim to love soccer but hate the Socceroos and wish them ill. I know a few of these types and I wish them all rabies and painful gum disease. These types are very easy to spot: they are loud and drop many soccer players names and talk about big name players and their clubs of choice are usually Manchester United, Barcelona, Inter Milan and Rangers (yet they claim they are not riding any bandwagon) and they have a faux England or Brazil jersey and they talk about how much of a prick John Howard was and how they only watch the ABC and how they are considering vegetarianism. Yet these fools wouldn’t know a 4-5-1 formation from an episode of Reno 911 and they couldn’t name three of the Liberal politicians they so desperately loathe. These people are pariahs on Australian society. I am officially giving the Roger Rogerson green light to shoot to maim any fool over the next month that goes on about how much they don’t like the Socceroos. At the very least tell them to fuck off back to their Germaine Greer novel or their Billy Bragg album collection or their Bill Cosby hipster sweater. As for the other team who will progress and who may go all the way, I am running with the Germans. I have always respected the efficient, mechanical, clinical style of German sports and German life, truth be told, and that lack of flash but filler of grit will take them deep in South Africa. I fancy Australia will make it to the knockout stage but Germany can win it all and they have some of my deutsche marks riding them. I am now hoping for a strong German showing and no repeat of the hyperinflation seen during the Weimar Republic.
1. Germany 2. Australia
Group E: The Group of Fiery Automobile Accidents
I have long held the belief that the bright orange national colours of the Netherlands and the country’s liberal laws on marijuana use are closely related. I am no fashionista, though many do find that hard to believe, but fluoro orange rarely works. The Dutch do, however, pull it off. The Dutch have contributed plenty to the world including 13 supermodels, legendary darts player Raymond van Barneveld, Pope Adrian VI (the last non-Italian pope since John Paul II, a span of over 456 years), Peter Stuyvesant (oh, how wonderful are those classic cigarettes), six-time world checkers champion Harm Wiersma and DJ Tiesto, a fan favourite of pill poppers and club hoppers. I love the Dutch. I also love Princess Mary, our little Aussie made good who is now adored in Denmark and is no longer living the life of a low rent real estate agent. I am not ashamed to say I stayed up for her wedding and I am also not ashamed to say that I may as well have been in Amsterdam, such was my state. How can you look past Peter Stuyvesant and Princess Mary? It would be un-Australian to do so.
1. The Netherlands 2. Denmark
Group F: The Group of Bear Wrestling Gone Wrong
Call me out of touch but I’m not entirely sure how a team known as the “All Whites” are going to survive in post-Apartheid South Africa. It could get interesting. I dare say Nelson Mandela won’t be cheering them on. Regardless, it is pleasing to see New Zealand playing in the World Cup. Presumably Jeff Wilson is representing the Kiwis as he has done in every other sport over the last twenty years. They will be battling it out for last place with Slovakia, however, as the two minnows of not only football but the world battle it out to the thrill of nobody outside of Helen Clark’s home and Dominik Hrbaty’s mansion. This Group of Bear Wrestling looks easy to figure out. Italy will win. Paraguay will run second. Paraguay will not go deep because they no longer have their flamboyant goal-scoring keeper Jose Luis Chilavert. Italy can make it back-to-back but probably won’t. Rather than provide a reason, here are my ten favourite Italian-American television characters, in no particular order.
10. Coach Ernie Pantusso (Cheers)
9. Frank Rossitano (30 Rock)
8. Sal Romano (Mad Men)
7. Turtle (Entourage)
6. Ray Romano (Everybody Loves Raymond)
5. Arthur Fonzarelli (Happy Days)
4. Chachi Arcola (Joanie Loves Chachi)
3. Antonio Scarpaci (Wings)
2. Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
1. Tony Micelli (Who’s The Boss)
1. Italy 2. Paraguay
Group G: The Group of Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Name association time:
Brazil—–soccer, Carnaval, the Big Jesus
North Korea—-cult, Kim Ill Jong, blowing shit up
Portugal—-Kind of like Spain but not like Spain, a capital named for lesbians
Ivory Coast—-Elephants, Ebony and Ivory, Wings
Based on word association we will go with Brazil and Portugal in what is the only group to be in if you speak Portuguese. Brazil always seem to do okay at World Cups, particularly those held outside Europe. They might just win it. So let’s just say they will.
1. Brazil 2.Portugal
Group H: The Group of Terminal Disease
2009 was a big year for Honduras. Not only did the country qualify for their second World Cup, the country was plunged into a constitutional crisis when cowboy President Manuel Zelaya attempted to hold a referendum that was deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. Zelaya attempted to proceed anyway and dismissed the head of the military when the general disobeyed his order to stage the poll. The Supreme Court reinstated the general with the general arresting Zelaya and holding him captive at an airbase before flying him to Costa Rica. Zelaya was denied re-entry into Honduras before making it in and going to the Brazilian embassy, where the new government disrupted utility services before suspending five constitutional rights for nearly a month. To this day most countries refuse to recognise the legitimacy of the current government. Zelaya is now in exile in the Dominican Republic. That is all very exciting stuff and with that kind of momentum perhaps they can sneak into the knockout stage over Nanny Neutral Switzerland and the earthquake ravaged Chile. Spain will likely win the group though they love underachieving, a likely result of Karma evening the ledger post-Franco. Spain are the favourites for it all and will probably make it into the final four but all eyes should be focussed on little Honduras and their exiled President.
1. Spain 2. Honduras
So there it is, in a nutshell. I am predicting a Brazil-Germany final with very few reasons behind the selection. I am also hoping for big tournaments from Australia, Honduras, Italy and the Netherlands.
I may find soccer dull but I have some very fond World Cup memories. I was won over at USA ’94 and me and my brother Matt played out the entire tournament in the backyard with a miniature net and a stack of bikes playing goal-keeper. I was twelve and he was seven and he owned my ass. Brazil, from memory, won it, just as they did in real life. In ’98 Matt and I nearly came to blows when he failed to tape the penalty shootout in the Brazil-Holland semi-final. I was stacking shelves at Coles and he taped the entire game but he missed the shootout, much to my chagrin. 2002 was the perfect timezone cup and was a wonderful way to waste away six hours a day for a poor university student, each match interrupted only for table tennis with Kendall. 2006 involved drinking copious amounts of beer for breakfast at the Ainslie Football Club.
The World Cup is bigger than soccer. It actually defies the true nature of soccer. It is a truly great event.
Even if you don’t like soccer you can enjoy the World Cup.