The Science is in: Anchorman is the greatest comedy of all time

Veronica: "But it's very important to me that I be viewed as a professional."

Ron: "Right… When in Rome. Hmm."

Veronica: "Yeah. That, uh, expression doesn't really apply to what I'm talking about"

Ron: "I still don't quite understand what it means."

The Babyboomers had the moon landing in 1969. Generation X had the release of Nelson Mandela from Robben Island Prison in 1990. Generation Y had Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt marrying in 2000; or maybe it was the release of the iPod, or the opening night of The Phantom Menace, or the first episode of Jersey Shore, or whatever it is the drooling mouth-breathers of that generation are into.

But a scant few days ago, on March 29, 2012, we witnessed a great day for the people of Planet Earth, of every generation. It is a day that will be forever remembered in the annals of history. For that was the day Ron Burgundy announced a sequel to Anchorman. Oh Ron, how we missed you, we missed your musk.

There was much joy that day and in the days that followed. Many of my friends – those with sublime taste and judgement in any case– emailed each other, excitedly spreading the news. Fine bottles of scotch were opened in tribute; perhaps even a tear of joy was shed.

For each of us knows and loves the original Anchorman, released 2004. The movie, written by Will Ferrell, has developed a cult following, and rightly so. Clearly, when writing the script, Will Ferrell reached down deep into his mind and loins and brought forth a wonder into the world. So fertile is Will Ferrell’s genius he is said to have made Larry King pregnant, during an interview. Via Satellite.

So in honour of this most uplifting of announcements, we will discuss the reasons why Anchorman is the greatest creation of comedic genius since Monty Python’s The Holy Grail. Certainly, if we are going to claim Anchorman is truly the best, we have to enunciate the scientific reasons behind this claim. We need to test this proposition against the best comedies of all time (cliff notes: yes it is the best, unless you have a lobotomy, watch Jersey Shore, or are an avid Gingrich supporter – and I will throw a trident into the chest of anyone who disagrees with me).

I checked out the list of “best 100 comedies of all time” at a website called IGN, which is apparently some sort of computer game site for nerds and virgins. However, notwithstanding this, the list of ‘best movies’ it had on the site was quite excellent. The website brought out the big guns in comedy, no doubt about that; some very likely contenders for the title.

Let’s look at a handful of films that ranked around the same or even better than Anchorman.

Annie Hall – brilliant; no doubt Woody Allen’s best move and deserving of the Best Picture Oscar it was awarded in 1977. Funny, touching, with a sense of the absurd – Woody Allen for example, pulling Marshall McLuhan out from behind a pot plant to argue communications theory with a pseudo intellectual waiting in the line at the theatre “I heard what you were saying! You know nothing of my work!” It even had a small part for the immortal Christopher Walken. But let me ask you something – does anyone get their arm cut off in a street fight? I think you have your answer Woody, now go back to your daughter or wife or whatever it is and stay out of Ron Burgundy's way.

Blazing Saddles, the Producers, Spaceballs – anything written by Mel Brooks is splashed with the scent of genius, sixty per cent of the time, every time. If you aren’t familiar with his movies, do yourself a favour and download them illegally from one of Rupert Murdoch’s companies. No no no, just kidding. Piracy is bad, isn’t it Rupert?

But I digress. The point is this: Mel Brooks is a genius, but if you put him and Will Ferrell together in the octagon in a fight to the death – who do you think is coming out alive? Mel wouldn’t last a round.

The Big Lebowski – Yes, I agree is a fine comedy. And dare I say it, perhaps even the best movie of all to watch stoned. But I don’t remember ‘the dude’ making love to Christina Applegate on Rainbow. Do you? Sorry chumps, back to the bowling alley.

Flying High – this was number two on the IGN ‘best movie’ list (Anchorman was 11, by the way, which is a disgrace. Even worse, the Internet Movie Database (IMDb) ranked Anchorman at 61, which is downright blasphemy – making it apparently less funny than Tropic Thunder at #52, and Hot Shots 2 at #46. Fucking idiots. Don’t worry; a package of anthrax is en route to the IMDB offices as we speak). But anyway – Flying High is brilliant. It was a landmark in American comedy and opened up a style of humour for much that came after – such as Naked Gun and Scary Movie (and nothing that came after was even close to being as good). Like Anchorman, Flying High is chock full of quotable lines (“surely you can’t be serious”, “I am, and stop calling me Shirley” or “Joey, have you ever been in a… in a Turkish prison?”or “I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue”

So yes, Flying High is brilliant. But let me ask you this – does it have Ron Burgundy in it? I think you have your answer.

Oh yeah, and I saw a list that ranked As Good as it Gets higher than Anchorman. What the fuck? This is an abomination of a film – Jack Nicolson going through the motions; an obligatory, clichéd sympathetic gay character; the torturous Helen Hunt, who somewhere along the line decided squinting equated to acting. Helen Hunt, the most undeserving Oscar winners of all time. Helen Hunt, who, if we are being balanced and reasonable – deserves to be shot. Or at the least abandoned on Whore Island with the other smelly pirate hookers.

Presumably it was some halfwit Generation-Y-Kim-Kardashian fan that drew up a list with As Good as it Gets on it.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, we have arrived at our destination with our point conclusively made.Anchorman stands as one of the most-quotable, absurdist, side-splitting movies of all time, from the opening scenes, “the human torch was denied a bank loan”; “if you were a man I’d punch you right in the mouth”; “who are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time… No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?” To the brilliant dénouement:  “Stay classy, Planet Earth”. Anchorman hits you with a full blast of ball-tearing humour and never lets the foot off the throttle. Or the balls, as the case may be.

Will Anchorman 2 match this brilliance? Can it possibly match the heights of the following:

Veronica Corningstone: “Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.”
Ron Burgundy: “Oh, uh, it's the pleats… the pleats in the pants. It's an optical illusion. I was just about to take them back… to the pants store. Oh this is embarrassing.”

Time will only tell. We here at Making the Nut offices will wait with great anticipation. Indeed, we will get our Anchorman costumes ready for the premiere, lining up like the nerds and virgins do for Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. I bags Ron Burgundy.