Season 2010: Preview

Predictions for 2010:

Dally M Medal Winner:	Jamie Soward (Dragons)
Coach of the Year:	John Lang (Souths)
Top Pointscorer:	Jamie Soward (Dragons)
Top Tryscorer:	David Mead (Titans)
Fullback of the Year:	Josh Dugan (Canberra)
Winger of the Year:	David Mead (Titans)
Centre of the Year:	Michael Jennings (Penrith)
Five-Eighth of the Year:	Jamie Soward (Dragons)
Halfback of the Year:	Brett Kimmorley (Bulldogs)
Lock of the Year:	David Stagg (Bulldogs)
Second Rower of the Year:	Anthony Laffranchi (Titans)
Prop of the Year:	Ben Hannant (Bulldogs)
Hooker of the Year:	Cameron Smith (Melbourne)
Rookie of the Year:	Corey Norman (Brisbane)
Captain of the Year:	Roy Asotasi (Souths)
Grand Final:	Canterbury v Melbourne
Grand Final Referees:	Tony Archer and Ashley Klein
State of Origin:	Queensland 2-1
First Coach Fired:	Ivan Cleary

2010 Preseason Rankings:

	Fullback	Wing/ centre	Halves	Backrow	Prop	Hooker	Coach	Depth	Total	Range
Brisbane	5.0	8.0	8.0	7.5	4.5	6.0	5.5	3.5	48.0	7th-11th
Canterbury	7.5	8.0	7.5	8.5	8.5	9.5	8.5	8.0	66.0	1st-4th
Canberra	8.0	6.5	6.0	6.5	6.5	4.0	4.5	5.0	47.0	7th-13th
Cronulla	4.0	3.0	4.5	8.0	7.5	5.5	3.0	2.0	37.5	15th-16th
Gold Coast	5.0	8.0	10.0	8.5	8.0	8.5	8.0	6.0	62.0	1st-5th
Manly	9.5	6.0	5.0	9.0	6.0	7.0	5.5	5.5	53.5	6th-10th
Melbourne	10.0	7.5	8.5	7.0	7.0	10.0	10.0	6.0	66.0	1st-4th
Newcastle	3.5	7.0	7.5	6.5	4.5	7.0	3.5	1.0	40.5	13th-16th
Nth Qld	3.5	5.0	8.0	5.5	4.0	7.5	8.0	0.5	42.0	12th-16th
Parramatta	9.0	7.0	6.5	9.0	8.5	6.5	7.5	6.0	60.0	3rd-8th
Penrith	6.0	6.0	4.0	8.0	6.0	3.5	6.5	5.0	45.0	9th-12th
Dragons	7.5	6.0	9.5	7.5	6.5	7.0	10.0	7.5	61.5	1st-6th
Souths	3.5	5.5	6.0	9.0	9.0	9.0	8.0	5.5	55.5	5th-10th
Roosters	6.5	4.5	7.5	5.0	6.0	4.0	6.0	2.0	41.5	11th-16th
Warriors	6.0	6.5	2.0	7.5	7.5	5.5	5.0	3.0	43.0	8th-16th
Tigers	6.5	7.5	7.0	8.5	7.5	9.5	7.5	5.5	59.5	5th-11th

 

 

Recruitment and Retention Grades:

Brisbane: D– Lost Taylor and Hunt with biggest pick-up being former player Kemp.

Canterbury: B- Turner is a great replacement for Haz, added depth across squad.

Canberra: C Didn’t lose anyone of note but again failed to bring a big name to town.

Cronulla: C- Huge turnover but the fits don’t seem great or the potential excessive.

Gold Coast: A Brilliant recruitment in signing Bird and Tomane.

Manly: D- The Eagles lost Orford and plenty others while signing Joe Galuvao.

Melbourne: B- Lost DJ but found quality fix with Lowrie and underrated types.

Newcastle: F Lost Houston and Wicks and purchased nobody of note.

Cowboys: D- Got cute and paid Mason which will inevitably backfire.

Parramatta: A- Paid big for Poore, Tahu and Shackleton. Not convinced moves prudent.

Penrith: C Like Cronulla, big turnover of fringe and irrelevant players.

Dragons: C Lost Poore and didn’t sign any big names or key first graders.

Souths: A+ Two huge signings in Burgess and Taylor as well as John Lang at coach.

Roosters: B Lured some big names as always but all have question marks to overcome.

Warriors: C+ Probably broke even after signing Seymour though not spending to cap.

Tigers: A Definitely upgraded across the board with Fulton and Cayless the top gets.

Five Young Guns to Watch:

David Mead: The Titans flyer is going to be the main beneficiary of the purchases of Greg Bird and in particular Joseph Tomane. Rogers to the centres means the outside backs will get more ball while Tomane is a quality player who can get Mead good ball. Mead looks a brilliant young finisher who will be near the top of the tryscoring list this season.

Kevin Locke: It is a real shame Locke is stuck on the end of the Warriors backline. He will have to do plenty of creating himself but he is talented enough to become the Warriors most incisive player. If the Seymour-Moloney combination fails, Locke may well get moved into the six jersey.

Ben Barba: The mercurial Bulldogs playmaker established a spot in first grade last season with Kevin Moore using him off the bench as a utility player. Barba looks to have bulked up a little and his defensive deficiencies have reportedly been fixed up. He is such a good ball player that Moore will want to use him at five-eighth while Brett Kimmorley is still playing. Don’t be surprised to see Barba usurp Roberts as the year progresses.

Kevin Proctor: All the talk in Melbourne has been about Aidan Tolman and while there is no doubt Tolman will become a superstar, Proctor shouldn’t be forgotten. Proctor is an old school enforcer who hits hard and bends defensive lines. He will get plenty of opportunities this year and by season’s end he will be a regular starter in a Melbourne team headed to a fifth straight Grand Final.

Matt Prior: Prior will plug away without much fanfare. He is the kind of player who will play 200 games, average 35 tackles and 10 runs a game and still not get any recognition. He could be another Luke Stuart. Prior is a work horse who tackles and runs and then tackles and runs. He has been shifted to prop this year so closer to the action he will probably do more running and more tackling. I have plenty of man love for Matt Prior and I hope he thrives this year.

Five Players Not to Watch:

Ben Pomeroy: The Retarded Penguin presumably still can’t catch while his long horse face with the freckles adorned with the constant sourpuss look still hasn’t been whacked. Ben Pomeroy has done two things to me: he has made me question my love of rugby league and he has made me question the validity of Darwin’s theories on evolution.

David Simmons: If you hate tackling and hardness and skill then David Simmons is the guy for you. If you actually enjoy the fundamental elements of rugby league then gouge your eyes out before watching even one David Simmons performance.

Jason Ryles: Penalty. Dumb error. Backchat. Stupid pass. Knock on. Penalty. Lost game. That is pretty much how every Jason Ryles game does and I don’t expect much to change now he has added blue to his jersey.

Krisnan Inu: In over twenty years of watching rugby league I don’t think I have seen a bigger dog on the football field. He lopes around, missing tackles, doing nothing. He has never once gotten his jersey dirty. The good news, however, is that Inu will spend most of the year in the NSW Cup before being cut loose.

Josh Perry: Whenever you bet Manly don’t dare look at Josh Perry because you will wish you had buried your cash in a random orifice rather than lay your hard earned on the Eagles. Perry is as dumb as an ox and as floppy-bellied as a pig.

Five Veterans on the Slide:

Luke Priddis: Few players fell as quickly. Priddis was the star of the 2003 Grand Final for Penrith and remained a valuable member of the Panthers up to 2006 but he has quickly dropped from one of the top hookers in the game to potentially the worst first grader in the NRL. He has 295 first grade games under his belt but I would be prepared to lay 3.0 on him making 300. The only thing that will get him there will be Wayne Bennett’s generosity.

Nathan Cayless: Once one of the most feared props in the game, only his popularity at Parramatta is keeping him in the starting team. That may not last if his form doesn’t pick up from the last couple of years with Justin Poore and Fuifui Moimoi also in the team. His minutes should continue to drop with Cayless not one of Anderson’s troops so don’t be surprised to see him shown the door by season’s end.

Steve Simpson: Simpson has the knees of an 85 year old prostitute who specialises in blowjobs. He rarely plays four games straight and his once feared running on the fringes creates little concern these days. Simpson will get the entire season because the Knights have nobody else but his drop in ability should be considered alarming as he was playing representative football only two seasons back.

Matt Cooper: Cooper Trooper was considered a near certainty for the Blues last season despite the fact his form has declined to the point that he is probably no better than an average centre and a slow one at that. His attacking game was expected to thrive once Mark Gasnier fled but it didn’t with Cooper scoring only 9 tries from 19 games in 2008 and 3 tries from 19 games last season. His attacking potence will only get worse this year. He remains a solid player but his representative days are over.

Lote Tuqiri: He may have been a big star in rugby but he is playing a real game now where athleticism and commitment are required. He won’t be able to hide out on the sidelines now. In league he is just another old winger who has lost his pace. He will be an epic failure in his return.

Team of the Week: This week’s team is a collection of current players who look and seem much older than they actually are. Some have seemingly been around forever. Others have been balding since the age of 20. Others have the weather beaten features of a much older man. Without further ado, the Cameron Smith All-Stars

1. Mitch Brown (22): Washed up at 22 because he has speed like a crippled granddaddy
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2. Tony Williams (21): There is no way in hell he wasn’t around for the Bicentennial.

3. Ben Smith (25): Has a melon like a well kicked soccer ball.
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4. Gavin Cooper (24): Has already seen three clubs and may chase down Tyran Smith.

5. Patrick Ah Van (21): His faux mullet makes it seem like he was born in the late 60’s.

6. Brett Finch (28): Has seemingly been around forever with 237 games under his belt.

7. Ben Hornby (30): Was allegedly playing when Jesus learned to fend from Moses.

13. Todd Lowrie (26): Wasn’t he about when Ron Hildtich coached the Eels?

12. Ashton Sims (25): It feels like he has been fucking up for at least a decade.

11. “Buster” Warburton (22): If he is 22 then I am 19. Suffers from Afridi Syndrome.

10. Luke Bailey (30): He came out of the womb looking like a 40yo retired prop.

9. Cameron Smith (26): He looked 40 when he was 20 and still looks 40 at 26.

8. Keith Galloway (24): This is his 8th year in the top grade and he still isn’t 25.

Big League, Bad Business: Seemingly the official publication of the NRL has become impossible to subscribe too. After weeks of emails, telephone calls and internet research, it seems that there is no way to subscribe to Big League. The publication has already made the grave mistake of not hiring me as their top analyst and feature writer. Now they will no longer allow members of the rugby league public to throw money at them. Perhaps the NRL should look to take its top publication in-house if the incompetent fools running Big League can’t answer a simple email or organise a simple subscription.

The Perfect Fit: Rugby league hater Rebecca Wilson has found the perfect home, slipping seamlessly onto the panel of the Offsiders, a great anti-league institution if ever there was one. Wilson and fellow anti-league morons like Caroline Wilson, Barry Cassidy and Gerard Waitely can now engage in an intellectual gangbang with AFL the central attraction and turtleneck sweaters critical to the dress code.

Lazy Long Bay Days, Part 1: Chris Houston and Danny Wicks have just been found guilty of drug trafficking and have been bought to Long Bay Prison to serve a stint at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. The Warden has come to meet them at the gates. “Welcome Gentlemen. Can I take your bags and offer you a drink?” he chuckled. “We hope to make your stay here as pleasurable as possible.” Houston and Wicks stared blankly at the floor. Wicks, thinking not much. Houston, as white as Michael Buettnner. “Now lose those trousers boys. We have a couple of nice fresh uniforms for you. They won’t have numbers on the back but there will be a nice long one on the front.” Houston slowly stripped down as did Wicks. A guard frisked them, gave them the treatment and then turned the hose onto them. “My Mr. Wicks, you certainly are a big boy. There is a certain element in here that love their fatties. You had better watch out. You are going to get fed up like Hansel then passed around like fresh apple pie unless you play the game and do as you are told.”