Season 2010: Round 1

From The Couch

Brian Smith and the Alleged Drug Traffickers: The last week, Roosters coach Brian Smith has been basking in the reflected glory of the Roosters renaissance. He has celebrated a birthday. He has taken credit for the rebirth of Todd Carney as a footballer and a human. He has danced in the excitement that is the beginning of footy season. He has also arrogantly deigned to comment on his former club the Newcastle Knights and more specifically current coach Rick Stone and the involvement of Stone in bringing Danny Wicks and Chris Houston to the Knights: “He'll be disappointed because whilst he was a small part in the decision to bring those guys in way back when, the assistant coaches were all part of the process of rebuilding the club back then and he was at the forefront of re-signing Wicks and Houso.” Smith was no doubt subtly having a dig at the embattled Stone who is embattled almost entirely because of Brian Smith. It was, of course, Smith who played a major role in recruiting Danny Wicks and Chris Houston.

It was Brian Smith who wanted to clean house at the Knights and bring in outsiders like Wicks and Houston. It was Brian Smith who chased Wicks and Houston specifically. It is Brian Smith’s imported culture that currently exists at Newcastle. It was Brian Smith who was so close to Danny Wicks that when Wicks got dreadfully sick it was Smith who was first on the scene. Yet he has seemingly escaped any criticism for his recruitment simply because he has changed clubs and now he is trying to sure up his position by rewriting the history books. Newcastle are ruined this season and it is primarily due to Brian Smith. The one comfort is that he has coached 527 first grade games and he is still chasing his first premiership.

Farewell, Corey Haim: Last week, the world had to deal with the tragedy that was the untimely death of acting icon and pop culture legend Corey Haim. In honour of the life and times of Corey Haim, two of Haim’s biggest fans decided to provide a very special tribute. The Brisbane Broncos two Corey’s, debutant Corey Norman and grizzled veteran Corey Parker, turned in two very special performances to pay homage to Haim and his legacy of greatness and fortitude. Corey Parker, who slotted 5 critical goals and made 54 tackles also ran for 159 metres, said afterwards: “Corey Haim has always been very important to me. We would often talk before matches. He was a big believer in scrum plays and we would often throw around ideas. My performance was just a little something to say thank you.” Corey Norman, another Haim acolyte, set up three tries and saved three more in a debut performance that has bought comparisons to Darren Lockyer and elicited such superlatives as “potential superstar” and “possible champion”. “I was actually named after Corey Feldman but I always felt more of an affinity with Haim who really was a true craftsman” Norman said. The two Corey’s really paid honour to their fallen comrade.

Fun Fact #1: Corey Norman became the tenth Corey to play in the NRL.

Fun Fact #2: Corey Stewart in 1990 became the first Corey to play in the NRL, playing 9 games between 1990 and 1993 for Easts and Penrith.

Fun Fact #3: Three players named Corey have played in excess of 150 games: Corey Hughes (Canterbury, Cronulla), Corey Parker (Brisbane) and Corey Pearson (Balmain, St. George, St.George-Illawarra, Wests Tigers, Parramatta).

Highlight of the Round: A hearty congratulations goes out to Nathan Merritt whose spilt ball in open pastures not only cost South Sydney any hope of victory but provided the vast majority who have to constantly argue against a vocal conglomerate of fools who believe Nathan Merritt is an Origin player with a chunky piece of supporting evidence. Merritt scooped up a loose ball deep in Roosters territory with the Bunnies down 20-6 and was through the Roosters defence. As he skipped past the Roosters 40 metre line I declared he was “off to the races” from the card table. Only the lumbering poo slinger Nate Myles was chasing him down and, at any rate, Nathan Merritt is supposedly one of the fastest men in league. Well, Myles stuck true, Merritt heard the footsteps and the ball soon spilled forth like a Beepu geyser. The Bunnies would have been down by 8 had he just held onto the ball. He couldn’t and they went on to lose by 26. I hope Jason Taylor comes back out and argues his Origin credentials now.

Brilliant Signing: Willie Mason is hopeless. He is fat, dumb, lazy and slow. His first game for the Cowboys was something to behold. Mason played 39 minutes and made 8 tackles, One more than winger Michael Bani. Mason also missed 4. It takes something really special for a forward to make only 8 tackles and to miss 4 in 39 minutes of football. Mason is on his way to helping win another wooden spoon.

The Willie M Award: Never mind the Dally M Award. All eyes this year will be focussed on the Willie M Award, named in honour of brilliant one game legend Greg Smith and presented to the worst player in the NRL. The Willie M will be based on a 3-2-1 for every game and will not only highlight the worst player in the NRL but also the coach who continually plays said person. Votes will be awarded for negative impact and a lack of contribution. Without further ado, the votes from week one:

Brisbane-North Qld	3- Willie Mason (NQ)
	2- Ty Williams (NQ)
	1- Grant Rovelli (NQ)
Parramatta-Dragons	3- Eric Grothe (Par)
	2- Shane Shackleton (Par)
	1- Krisnan Inu (Par)
Canterbury-Newcas.	3- Jamal Idris (Bul)
	2- Yileen Gordon (Bul)
	1- Gary Warburton (Bul)
Cronulla-Melbourne:	3- Ben Pomeroy (Cro)
	2- Albert Kelly (Cro)
	1- Adam Cuthbertson (Cro)
Penrith-Canberra:	3- Terry Campese (Can)
	2- Danny Galea (Can)
	1- Dane Tilse (Can)
Gold Cst-Warriors:	3- Sione Lousi (War)
	2- Greg Bird (GC)
	1- James Maloney (War)
Roosters-Souths:	3- Chris Sandow (Sou)
	2- Nathan Merritt (Sou)
	1- Fetuli Talanoa (Sou)
Tigers-Manly:	3- Brett Stewart (Man)
	2- Chris Bailey (Man)
	1- Daniel Fitzhenry (Tig)

Wayne Bennett Genius #1: Bennett’s decision to replace boring-but-stoic centre Matt Cooper with Laura Davies doppelganger and prop forward Matt Prior helped shut the Eels down on Friday night with the grinding footballer/golfer offering little room to move for the supposed superstar Eels outside backs.

 

Wayne Bennett Genius #2: Wayne Bennett can deny it all he likes but he quite wisely and obviously directed Jamie Soward to kick the ball dead in order to keep the ball away from Jarryd Hayne in open spaces as well as giving his forward pack a rest. Bennett shouldn’t be ashamed. This was key to downing the Eels. We know that Bennett won’t follow such a negative plan all year but at this stage of the season it was pure genius. At any rate, Tim Sheens did exactly the same thing against Manly.

Carry on Nurse: It was a stellar opening round for doctors, nurses and those in the medical profession with plenty of long-term injuries adding some extra kick to their regular pay cheques. After only 22 minutes, Shane “Shack Attack” Shackleton’s debut season with Parramatta has come to an end after he tore the ham off the bone in what is surely the most delicious sounding injury in football. Shack Attack will now focus on mapping his upcoming Antarctic Adventure Click here as attempts to emulate the work of his granddaddy Ernest. Dragons hooker Nathan Fien, whose wife had that day had the couple’s fourth child down in Wollongong, spent two days in a Sydney hospital with a broken ankle that will sideline him for five months. Newcastle’s Junior “Wayne Pearce” Sau has busted a rib and will be riding the pine for at least a few weeks. The Knights don’t need more injuries but Wayne won’t be playing footy anytime soon. The son of Craig Bellamy, Ryan Hoffman, has done a grade two medial ligament tear (a busted ankle, in common man talk) and is done for four to six weeks. It shouldn’t impact on his Origin prospects though. Star crossed Manly fullback Brett Stewart has done a knee and will be out for at least a month. Roosters Fanta pants “Colonel Tom Symonds hyperextended a knee and is out for some time. Preston Campbell and Braith Anasta both took head knocks with the hope being it will knock some sense into the latter.

Bye Bye Buddy: The sister of Deborah Mailman, Yileen “Buddy” Gordon, should never play in the NRL again. He is fat and slow and he cannot catch. Come on Kevin Moore. Sister of Debs needs to go.

Power Rankings:

Rank	Team	Record	Last Week	High	Low
1	Melbourne	1-0	N/A	1	1
2	Dragons	1-0	N/A	2	2
3	Parramatta	0-1	N/A	3	3
4	Gold Coast	1-0	N/A	4	4
5	Canterbury	0-1	N/A	5	5
6	West Tigers	1-0	N/A	6	6
7	Brisbane	1-0	N/A	7	7
8	Roosters	1-0	N/A	8	8
9	Penrith	1-0	N/A	9	9
10	Manly	0-1	N/A	10	10
11	Newcastle	1-0	N/A	11	11
12	Cronulla	0-1	N/A	12	12
13	Warriors	0-1	N/A	13	13
14	North Qld	0-1	N/A	14	14
15	Canberra	0-1	N/A	15	15
16	Souths	0-1	N/A	16	16

 

Uni Watch: Jerseys have been all the talk among league heads over the last week with the Gold Coast Titans and Brisbane Broncos sending the New Zealand Warriors into hissyfit mode by deciding to wear their white away jerseys for their home matches against New Zealand in rounds one and three in order to get the Warriors to wear their black home jerseys and in the process cook in the Queensland heat. Sharp move. The Warriors hit back over the weekend, however, wearing a ’95 throwback blue and green jersey. It was quite the trip for experts on footy wear who were expecting to see Dean Bell, Tony Tuimavave, Gene Ngamu and perennial crossword answer Syd Eru running around. It didn’t impact much on the result, however, with the Warriors blowing a big lead against an ordinary performing Titans team. Only time will tell if the Warriors go throwback again in round three.

Exchanges with Fisk: From October through February, Fisk (aka the exalted former Mr. Rugby) and I rarely have occasion to talk. There is no rugby league so we both tend to lay low and move on with our lives, fathering children or holing up in local bars or finding wives. Once March hits, however, we are in constant contact. Late night texts, abusive telephone calls, mean spirited email exchanges. For the remainder of the season, some of those exchanges will be recorded for posterity on these very pages.

Fisk on Sam Burgess: “My theory proved correct…he made more errors in 50 mins than Ellis did in all of 2009”

Fisk on the Souths 6, 7 and 9: “Look at them. Can’t win a comp with that.”

Fisk on Nathan Merritt and Jamal Idris: “They went to the same ball handling college.”

Tedeschi in response: “Ben Pomeroy was their fucking professor.”

Tedeschi on Merritt: “He made Russell Richardson look like he had a ball carry like Fort Knox.”

Tedeschi on Idris: “Tell Yannick Noah to hold the fucking ball. Jesus Christ, that cocksucker just cost us the game.

Fisk on Rugby League: “My two highlights were Adrian Purtell running 100 metres and witnessing just how hope hopeless Mason now is. If you were head-to-head with Purtell Tedeschi, you would be spotting him a 20 metre start.”

Coaching Stocks:

Craig Bellamy [5] Wins 2010 opener after the ’09 Premiership and the WCC. He is the man.

Wayne Bennett [4.5] The beginning of the year is never the worry with Benny. The Saints were near perfect v Eels.

Kevin Moore [4.5] The reigning coach of the year has credit but would be mortified with the effort v Knights.

Tim Sheens [4] Huge comeback win to keep the momentum of a positive offseason rolling. Staving off Folkes.

John Cartwright [3.5] Titans were awful but they got the points, a sure sign of a good team.

Daniel Anderson [3.5] Eels lacked punch and were tactically outshone but they still toughed it out in a solid effort.

Rick Stone [3.5] Has plenty of sympathy and did a stellar job in getting the Knights ready for win v Dogs.

Des Hasler [3] Very disappointing blown lead. His massive pack may prove unsuccessful long term.

Ivan Henjak [3] Plenty of pressure to keep finals run alive but started in fine style with huge win v Cowboys.

Brian Smith [3] A golden child at the Roosters after winning a game. Lets see how long it leasts.

Matt Elliott [1.5] Got the win but his job may not be safe if the Panthers hit a losing run.

David Furner [1] Dreadful, undisciplined display in week one. Most clubs would be sharpening the knives.

John Lang [1] Couldn’t have had a worse start. Needs to win early or could face an Ando like axing.

Neil Henry [0.5] A Derby loss only continues the frustrations fans and front office have had with his lack of wins.

Ricky Stuart [0.5] Typical gutsy but lifeless performance from Sharks. Plenty of puzzling interchanges. Lucky.

Ivan Cleary [-10] Blown lead. He probably has a month to save his job.

Game of the Week, Round 1: Parramatta-Dragons, 12-18. There were plenty of cracking games to open the round with the majority of matches decided by six points or less. The Brisbane-Cowboys game was an exceptional display of attacking football with the “Baby” Broncos playing with the grace and poise of a team far more experienced. The Bulldogs took it easy against a plucky Knights outfit but nearly pulled it out in a game chock full of subplots. The Roosters put on a clinic against Souths, bursting the Bunnies bubble pretty damned quickly. The Tigers victory over Manly was a see-sawing affair of a high standard. The Parramatta-Dragons match was a cracker though and gets the nod for a few reasons. The first of those was the intensity with which the match was played. Both teams opened the season with a brutal, focus performance with the Dragons winning because of a tactical victory and wonderful ball control that saw them complete 94% of their sets while making only three handling errors. The hits were hard and the tries were earned and in the end Jamie Soward’s boot was the difference.

Farewell, P.J Marsh: Peter John Marsh this weekend announced his retirement after doctors warned him he could not play again. To be honest, I wasn’t sure he was still even in the NRL. Most unbelievably, he played an Origin match in 2008 despite only playing 15 first grade games of NRL for Brisbane over the last two seasons. I am clawing for something memorable or positive but the best I can come up with is a slightly better John Morris.

Stats from the Penguin: Ben Pomeroy made a stellar start to 2010 with another brilliant performance highlighted with a dropped ball on his first touch. Here is his stats line, one we will be showing each and every week:

0 Tries, 13 runs for 87 metres, 1 Error, 5 Tackles, 2 Missed Tackles

Beard Watch: “Big Red” Brad Meyers has defied rumour and innuendo and a wedding in late 2009 to return with a big viking beard to start season 2010. Meyers, the reigning Beard of the Year winner, is obviously keen to defend his title and is off to a flying start. Early competition seems to be coming from Sam “Deborah Mailman” Thaiday. Debs is running with the Wildman look and he is pulling it off a treat.

Fantasy Team of the Week:

1. Todd Carney (Roosters)
2. Shaun Kenny-Dowall (Roosters)
3. Israel Folau (Brisbane)
4. Chris Lawrence (Tigers)
5. Sam Perrett (Roosters)
6. Benji Marshall (Tigers)
7. Johnathan Thurston (Cowboys)
13. Corey Parker (Brisbane)
12. Frank Pritchard (Penrith)
11. Cory Paterson (Newcastle)
10. Scott Logan (Canberra)
9. Kevin Kingston (Penrith)
8. Luke Douglas(Cronulla)

Fantasy Advice: Raiders prop Scott Logan will be the big pick up this week after Logan hit 101 in week one. Logan has won out the prop battle with Dane Tilse and Troy Thompson for the right to partner David Shillington. Logan costs only $184,500 and is well worth getting as a substitute prop. Broncos backrower Matt Gillett is also a top quality pick up at a touch under $95k. Gillett put up some big numbers in week one and looks certain to keep his spot in the Baby Broncos team. He is a good cheap pick up who will add depth to your squad.

Lazy Long Bay Days, Part 2: The boys in Long Bay have a visitor. “Wicksy, Houso, how are you boys” Brian Smith chirped, perhaps a little too happily. Wicks tried to put on a brave face. “I’m doing well, Boss.” Houso was not so stoic. He was near tears and told Smith he needed to get out. “I’ve only been here a day Boss but I’m not cut out for this. I was told in the shower today that I had better join the Aryan’s or I can expect trouble. I miss my family. I miss football. It is hell in here.” “I’m sorry lads” replied Smith. “It is tough but you will get through. Just remember what your old Boss used to say: never drop the soap in the shower or the ball inside the twenty.” Wicks and Houston looked at Brian Smith quizzically. Had he always been this mad? they wondered.

Watch It: The Sunday Roast decided to run a poll for the three funniest moments in post-war rugby league history and came up with these three: Nathan Brown passing the ball to Lance Thompson’s head, Phil Gould stealing Laurie Daley’s chair and Tony Des La Heras falling over. Gus stealing Daley’s chair was most amusing but did it really rate with Paul Carige’s final game or the compilation of bonehead plays of Jason Ryles? How could the mascot fight at Penrith Park in the early nineties have been forgotten about? And lets not forget about Terry Lamb’s field goal when the Dogs trailed by two. Still, a pretty decent watch to start the footy season. Click Here

Correspondence Corner: This year I will be opening up From The Couch to all you loyal readers where I will publish a letter before either gushingly agreeing or tearing the writer to shreds. So feel free to drop me a line to discuss all matters league at nicktedeschi@hotmail.com