The Quitter Returns

So it seems low rent cable television, the catwalk life and ad-hoc personal appearances at shopping malls and on daytime television programs is no place for a world champion. Judging from the obnoxious sponsorship logos splattered all over the dais of the press conference announcing his return, running around as a D-grade fashonista perhaps is not much of a way to earn a quid.

My old sparring partner Ian Thorpe this week announced he was returning to the pool. He was off to London, he said. He was back and was chasing more gold. The rumours that had swept across the globe over the last year were true. The man they once called the Thorpedo was back, ready to rescue Australian swimming. At one of the more contrived public announcements in which Thorpe surely made an earn, Thorpe, flabby-bellied and by swimming terms ancient, was ready to race once more.

It seems the “disappointment and self-loathing that will see him grow old in a conclave of embitterment and the need for constant external self re-assurance,” my assessment of where Thorpe’s life was headed four years ago in my piece Drowning in Stupidity: High Thoughts on the Thorpe Retirement, has manifested a lot quicker than even I thought. It turns out the realisation that he has no other discernible talents dawned on him rather quickly.

Thorpe in fact turned into a camp parody of those old heavyweight boxing types who spent their days of retirement as casino greeters and cheap party favours. Rather than mix it with fight fans and gambling types, however, Thorpe opted to roll with wannabe models and those who get a kick out of designing odd looking v-neck shirts.

The last time I saw Thorpe, sometime in early September of 2010, Thorpe was hosting some weird cooking/musical theatre deal at Star City. The show started at midday and was watched by no more than a half-dozen punters. Those of us there to watch the NFL found the whole deal terribly annoying and more than a little degrading. There, Australia’s greatest ever swimmer in terms of pure talent, was prancing around on stage for six or seven tired old gamblers on a time out from roulette or blackjack or poker machine losses as something in the order of 15-20 football fans asked the barkeep to jack up the television volume so we could hear Al Michaels call the big game.

It was a sharp fall for Australia’s darling. When he announced he was quitting Australian swimming in 2006, the smart money would have said Thorpe didn’t see himself as some cheap day-time casino entertainment. He no doubt thought he was on his way to superstardom as a television presenter, fashion designer and all-round good-guy A-grade Australian celebrity. Life as a less-popular, more derided, infinitely less successful Shane Warne must have left him wishing for the last six years back.

If only he could turn back time. If only he listened to your valiant author…

This comeback is hardly being made for the reasons of sport, pride or achievement. This comeback is nothing more than an act of selfishness, a tired and desperate plea for attention and relevance and, quite possibly, cash.

Ian Thorpe’s decision to retire was gutless and dishonourable and should count against his legacy. It was of “immense selfishness and immense stupidity,” words I stand by to this day. His comeback at 28, an age making him the Rip Van Winkle of the swimming game, is worse. Regardless of the results, this return to the pool is a embarrassing on so many levels. It won’t be as pathetic as Bjorn Borg’s or Muhammad Ali’s failed comebacks but it won’t be much better.

I was widely criticised for having the bottle to go after Thorpe when he waved the white flag back in 2006. Most bought into the media-driven Thorpe bukkake, standing around, trousers down, covering him in gushing praise. I dare say those same drones will have the machetes out again, demanding my scalp as they re-enter the cult of Thorpe.

There is no more media-manufactured sport in Australia than swimming. It is for that reason that swimmers are given a generally undeserved reverence. Nine, for many years, wouldn’t show a rugby league game live but they would show every minute of some meaningless swimming event and in prime time for a week straight. The low-rent tabloids held little guilt in going after a rugby league player, a cricketer or an athlete from most sports but swimmers were untouchable, built into giant-like figures on the Australian sporting landscape when most people could not give a pigeon’s penis about the sport. Unless it was an Olympic year, swimming was less popular than Michael Clarke. Today, it ranks on par with boxing and the A-League.

Those who buy into that rubbish are on their knees now, willing to dish out as much love and adulation to Ian Thorpe as they can possibly muster without getting mouth herpes.

This comeback is set up for failure and be sure and certain that there will be plenty who would take 13/4-on and maybe shorter on Thorpe not even making it to London in an individual event let alone medalling or taking the gold.

When Thorpe deigned to announce to the world that he was returning to the pool, having reached the decision last September, he appeared anything but convincing in conveying his passion for the pool. He appeared more to be talking himself into it rather than exhibiting any genuine excitement about getting back to racing. He did not seem like a man ready to put in the work in the practice pool. He did not seem like a man ready to give up the good life. He did not seem like a man prepared to leave it all in lane six. He did not seem like a man who believed he could again reign supreme.

At his press conference, Thorpe seemed like a boy lost. He has spent more time rehearsing his mantras than his swimming. He wants the adulation, the endorsement deals, the direction back in his life. It is questionable whether he wants the hard training, fierce competition, dogged boredom of the swimming life. He certainly didn’t appear to be too desperate to win gold in London, saying he will concentrate on the relays. That is like Pete Sampras coming out of retirement and saying he is now focussed on the mix doubles circuit or Brian Lara coming back to play Twenty20.

This comeback is destined to end in disaster. Thorpe isn’t committed to it. He is doing it for purely altruistic reasons.

And never mind the kid who Thorpe may kick out of the team and the stymied development of the men’s group thanks to his return to the spotlight.

Thorpe drowned in selfishness and stupidity four years ago. He is now seeking to drown his legacy too.

 

This photo was supplied by Brendon Thorne/Getty Images AsiaPac