Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
“Imagine you’re just a kid playing street cricket. It sounds like the life to me.” One of the Madden twins goes out of his way to prove a point: his knowledge of our national pastime is extremely limited.
Colonel Harland David Sanders – he of the Van Dyke beard, string tie and white suit – is a man most of us recognise.
His image adorns the world’s grandest fried chicken brand and his secret blend of herbs and spices remains a secret.
But oh how he must be rolling in his Louisville grave today – and it’s not the weight on his conscience levied by the deaths of billions of innocent chickens he’s wrestling with in the afterlife.
It’s the irreversible link between his brand and those insufferable Madden twins.
As if encouraged by the NRL’s decision to invite the pair of painted dwarves to perform at last season’s decider, the powers that be at KFC have decided to front the Maddens a no-doubt considerable sum to spearhead their summer campaign – and they’ve tied the whole thing up with cricket.
The worst part… they’re not only making it tough for honest, hard-working types to feel good about eating fried chicken, they’re smearing the game with their ignorance and their general distastefulness.
In honesty, this is not the first time KFC have produced a fail of epic proportions when it comes to marketing their product via cricket.
Last summer fans bore witness to Mitchell Johnson crunching his way through some kind of crispy off-cut, which was kind of unfortunate when you consider that the big leftie spent the summer on his sofa, nursing a broken toe.
But if he hadn’t returned looking so fit it would have been easy to assume he’d had a 20-piece bucket accompanying him throughout the rehabilitation.
This summer they’ve plumped for Ricky Ponting – among others – in another indication that marketing decisions are made well before the season proper, and can sometimes look half-arsed as a result of unforseen retirements and the like.
But that kind of occurrence is understandable.
Employing the Maddens, however, is less than that. It’s downright ridiculous. And so is Cricket Australia’s decision to let KFC run with it.
Let’s review the KFC/Madden/cricket commercial combos as they stand before us:
Option 1: Madden 1 holds the bat, Madden 2 the ball. RTP offers words of advice to Madden 2 who then peels off a series of ‘deliveries’ in a style that makes even Johan Botha’s doosra look beyond reproach. Everyone laughs (presumably at the stupid Americans) and we all go eat chicken.
Option 2: Madden 1 drives, Madden 2 rides shotgun. Michael Clarke is in the back seat and, presumably, we’re off to get new tattoos. Oh, no we’re not. We’re going to give away gnarled pieces of ‘grilled’ chicken to fresh faced young Sydneysiders in a park. And you can get it all for $2. How fucking great is that!?!?
Option 3: Who doesn’t love barefoot bowls, huh? Especially when you can see the ocean from the green and it’s ‘Beautiful People Thursday’ at the bowling club. Hang about… What’s Michael Slater doing there? Good question! He’s with the Maddens, silly. He’s that pivotal link between bowls and the Maddens and cricket that we all need to reaffirm KFC’s place in our hearts because they are basically cricket personified. And Slater’s short enough not to make the Maddens feel threatened.
Option 4: The Bozo Brothers rock into the SCG outer, looking lost from the outset. ‘We brought chicken,’ one of them shouts, seemingly proud of his contribution to an evening at the cricket. And that’s pretty much it.
Option 4 is clearly the shittest of a shit lot and in the words of South Park’s Jonny Cochran and his patented ‘Wookie Defence’ – THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. None of it does.
It’s just plain old awful and it’s hard to know who to feel more sorry for; the cricketing public, CA or KFC.
Without resorting to the completely farcical, allowing the move to link Australia’s national sport to this pair of manicured and manufactured pop stars is akin to the NFL engaging Guy Sebastian to promote the favourite burger hut of the Superbowl winning offensive line.
That shit’s just plain whack – and it would never happen.
So, forget about selection and rotation, DRS and the occasional underperformance. Here lies the burning issue in Australian cricket this summer – those meddling Madden twins.
They cheapen the game and they probably don’t cheapen fried chicken.
Theirs is a double-edged blade, and not the cool kind wielded by James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause, much as they’d probably love it to be.
It’s the kind that makes people turn away from the game every second commercial break – regardless of the cricket being played.
Hell, the Maddens could well be the reason crowd numbers are down at international venues across the country – you just never know when they might pop up for a ‘tween innings gig. If it’s good enough for Jessica Mauboy it’s got to be goddamn good enough for Joel & Benji, too.
In the spirit of fairness, here’s a selection of suggestions as to alternative marketing strategies for KFC and CA to pursue prior to the 2013-14 Ashes series.
Option 1: Reincarnate Slim Dusty and have him perform a fresh version of his classic ‘Pub With No Beer’ at the coin toss;
“Well there’s nothing more truthful, obvious or clear… than the fact Inverarity seems to have no idea.”
Option 2: Bring the Sidchrome Super Test Team concept back to life, only this time with a modern twist. Using Sidchrome tools, teams of four are to service and tune a classic V8 during the innings break of a T20 international. The winning team will be the first to complete a series of donuts around a group of cheerleaders, engine purring. This will appeal to bogans. This will ensure its popularity in the T20 arena.
Option 3: Let people bring their own grog to grounds that still have a hill. You will never see a sparsely populated Bellerive Oval again. Fact.
Option 4: Reinstate the dog track at the Gabba and schedule race meets on cricket nights. If at any stage the cricket becomes tiresome, get a bet on and enjoy the thrill of the chase. Go the red dog!
Option 5: Sure, they’re rich and famous these days, but can we possibly make it so cricketers concentrate on cricket – not commercials – until post-career? No-one thinks any more of Shane Watson because of his Brut ad. He still stinks. And no-one, no-one thinks any more of any Australian player that has ever played ‘street cricket’ with a Madden twin.
Still not finding the Madden/KFC/CA weird or offensive? Well, here's the real doozy…
At various times in his past, Benji Madden has spoken up on behalf of PETA. And Joel's an avowed vegetarian. Really.
Weird that they'd join forces with a monstrous corporation that churns through caged animals at a practically incalculable rate, right?
It must be a truly stunning amount of filthy lucre that can be stuffed into a KFC bucket.
At least enough for a man to forget all about his moral standpoint and remember that he'd really love to spend his life digging tennis balls out of prickly shrubs in suburban front gardens after his brother had carelessly slogged in the wrong direction.
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If you've seen their adds for the last few years, you would see they've been targeting the witless moron market for a while now. KFC consistently have the stupidest adds on TV. They think we're all dumb and they've got the dumb food for us. A burger with 2 pieces of chicken instead of bread? Brilliant! One handed wraps that let you crash house parties and put you free greasy hand on someone else's vinyl records? Great idea!
Great article;encapsulates what most sane people are saying. however, minus 1 mark for not also mentioning the fact they are now promoting Vodafone pre-paid mobile between overs as well.
That’s a lot of words to bother with a sport that is dead in this country. And really, the advertising is aimed at people who could possibly be interested in a sub-standard product (Australian cricket) or products (throw in KFC).
I think you missed the point.
PS those boys don’t pretend to be anything other than what they are – seemingly good blokes who play music. It’s not their fault people want to give them cash to hang out with Michael Clarke. (Which begs the question – is that the ONLY way people would hang out with that guy?)